


Garden of Shadows

by pendatol



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Shadow Weaver | Light Spinner (She-Ra)'s A+ Parenting, mind wipe, side Scorfuma and Glimbow, with Fluff in-between
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:47:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 32,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24839416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pendatol/pseuds/pendatol
Summary: "How can you move forward when you don't even know where you've been?"Adora never asked for Shadow Weaver to mess with her mind. Now, she and Catra have to face their past and break the hold Shadow Weaver still has over them, even in death.A fic about trauma, empathy, and healing.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 93
Kudos: 307





	1. Dreams Never Lie

**Author's Note:**

> This story deals with emotional and physical abuse of children since it's about Adora and Catra dealing with their Horde past. There's nothing explicit but the attempted sexual assault of a minor is hinted at and later talked about. The warning tag might change later on accordingly but the story will always be about healing first and foremost.

Catra’s eyes bolted open and, as they adjusted to the dark, her mind eased out of the nightmare she just had.

The nightmares were getting less frequent and more abstract the more time had passed since Horde Prime was defeated. Prime himself didn’t feature as often, and as she got used to Adora lying next to her every night, Catra dreamed less about losing her.

That still meant that Catra’s subconscious found many different ways to weave Adora into her dreams. Adora leaving. Adora never even returning. Adora using the Failsafe without She-Ra. Adora disappearing right in front of her eyes. _Adora_.

Catra willed herself to look to her side. Adora was lying next to her, still asleep and blissfully unaware. The sound of her breathing eased Catra out of the nightmare, grounding her in reality. Grounding her in the present.

It’s a trick she picked up from Perfuma. Whenever she had difficulty distinguishing between what was real and what only existed in her nightmares, she looked over to Adora. Sometimes, Catra jerked awake, trashing violently and waking her girlfriend. In those moments, Adora’s gentle touch and reassuring words calmed her. When Adora wasn’t awake, Catra focused on her breathing, the slight rising and sinking of her chest, the smallest of exhales. She focused on how peaceful Adora looked.

The Adora of her memories, from before the whole She-Ra business and when they used to fall asleep next to each other in the Fright Zone, that Adora was anything but peaceful, even when asleep. Catra remembered well how Adora started fighting imaginary enemies in her dreams, not even stopping while asleep.

It hadn’t always been like that.

Catra sat up and shook her head, as if the movement could shake the images and banish them. This time around, the nightmares were re-imaginations of her memories. Except, they went beyond Prime’s ship and Shadow Weaver and the Heart.

The Fright Zone. Shadow Weaver screaming at her. Adora’s torn shirt. Adora’s dried blood on her face. Adora’s trembling form. His awful grin.

Catra winced at the images forcing their way back into her mind. It’s been so long since she thought of this particular awful moment in a series of other awful moments that, together, made for life at the Fright Zone. Usually, the memories she had of Adora were the only ones that mattered. The only ones she wanted to remember. But this one, in particular, she wasn’t fond of seeing in her dreams again.

She felt shuffling next to her. Of course Adora would somehow _sense_ that Catra had awoken. Of all the superpowers in the world, the person who turned into an eight-foot-tall princess just had to have this one.

“Catra...” Adora stirred, murmuring her name.

Catra stroked Adora’s hair, gently massaging her head. “Go back to sleep, Adora.”

Adora couldn’t stop the soft moan that escaped her lips at the combination of Catra’s hand and sleep threatening to overtake her again. Catra could tell that she tried to keep herself awake but she knew Adora had been sleeping better than ever since they returned to Bright Moon. She didn’t want to disturb that, not again.

Adora gave in and drifted back to sleep. Catra continued playing with her hair, she didn’t know for how long. She knew she would have to go back to sleep eventually so she, too, let the dreams come for her.

She knew better than to not expect the nightmare to return.

Everything felt washed out in her dreams, a distant memory she’d spent so long ignoring. They were cadets in the Horde and she was arguing with Adora.

_“Come on, what do you have against him? He’s a respected officer and he said he sees a lot of potential in me.”  
_

_“I told you, I don’t care! Go attend your stupid private session.”  
_

_“Catra, please, don’t be like this.”  
_

_“I said go!”_

The next time Catra saw Adora, she was clutching what remained of her shirt, her exposed skin bruised. All Catra could think about was how _he_ did that and how Adora was hurt and she needed to be with her, let her get to Adora-

But Shadow Weaver said no. She yelled at Catra, yelled at everyone. _Get out. Go!_ She would handle it, handle everything. When Catra tried sneaking into the infirmary to check on Adora, Shadow Weaver caught her and punished her for the insolence.

_“If I ever catch you here again, or if I ever find out you spoke a word about this whole incident, Adora won’t be reason enough to keep you around anymore!”_

Catra was paralyzed and Shadow Weaver’s words were suffocating her. The sorceress only let her go when she swore she wouldn’t ever bring it up, wouldn’t ever bother Adora about it. Shadow Weaver tossed her aside and shut the door with a furious force.

Adora returned to the barracks two weeks later and Catra saw the faint remnants of a bruise under her eye. In her dream, she tried to speak but no sound came out. She was drowning on her own words and Shadow Weaver was looming over her, telling her to keep quiet.

Catra jolted awake once again, panting. Adora was already up, arms around Catra’s waist, ready to ease her out of the nightmare.

In her dreams, Catra couldn’t speak. In her memories, she never even tried to.  
  


* * *

  
They had a meeting later that day.

This time around it wasn’t the whole princess alliance, just Glimmer, Bow, Micah, and the two of them. And Melog, of course. They had much to discuss about their upcoming plans to bring magic back to the universe. The ambitious plan had Adora incredibly excited for the future. A universe full of magic, full of hope again. But she also enjoyed these relatively quiet weeks they got to spend at Bright Moon.

She had been spending the majority of that time with Catra.

Catra had made much progress with Perfuma, who’s been helping with the nightmares ever since Prime was defeated. Though she had a long road ahead of her, Adora knew better than anyone how far Catra had already come and it made her feel warm to think about it.

Even still, Adora was worried. Getting to sleep next to Catra every night was a blessing she desperately needed, but it also made her realize juts how much her girlfriend had been through. Adora first started noticing Catra’s night terrors when she would sleep at the foot of her bed in the Fright Zone, but it was different back then. They would help each other out when one was violently awoken by a nightmare but it wasn’t like they could do much in the Horde. To show any weakness was to give permission, no, to _ask_ for punishment. They did what they could for each other, but Adora often felt like it wasn’t enough.

Now that they were together again in Bright Moon, they had a chance to do better. And they were doing better, but, as Adora found out the hard way, progress wasn’t always linear. It certainly wasn’t easy to face their past, but they were working on it. That’s all that mattered.

On this particular day, Catra refused to talk about her nightmare. Adora knew she woke up several times during the night but she also knew she couldn’t force Catra to do anything. She couldn’t just force her to discuss it. She knew how hard it could be to talk about these things so she didn’t want to force it.

As they got ready in the morning, Adora could tell that Catra was still thinking about her dream. They went to the meeting and discussed their plans, but Catra was barely present, not even pretending to pay attention.

Despite the fact that they grew up together, Adora wasn’t always the best at reading Catra’s emotions. She knew when she was angry and when she was happy, but she was still familiarizing herself with the nuances of it all.

Lucky for Adora, Catra had a tell now. Melog’s presence made it easier for her to put a finger on whatever Catra was feeling, and based on how they were acting today, Catra sure was thinking about Adora, even if she wasn’t talking to her much.

For the whole first half of their meeting, Melog was cuddled up in Adora’s lap, refusing to move. It was almost as if Melog was... guarding her, in a way. Adora tried throwing questioning looks at Catra but she wasn’t paying any attention, gazing off and in her own world instead.

“Okay, Catra, talk to me,” Adora pleaded after they agreed to take a break and she pulled Catra aside. “I know I said I would always be patient with you talking about the nightmares but you’re really out of it today.”

Catra finally looked at her. She seemed... worried? Adora thought it strange.

“Do you not want to come on this trip anymore?” Adora asked, her worry seeping through her words.

“What?” that seemed to snap Catra out of it. “No! No, no, I do. I’m still game, obviously.”

Adora couldn’t help but sigh in relief.

“Okay, then what is it? Is it about last night? The dream you had?”

Catra lowered her gaze and for a moment it seemed like she shut off again. She took a deep breath.

“Yes, yes it is. Can we... talk about it?”

“Yeah sure,” Adora had been waiting all day for her to say that. “Do you want go back to the room?”

“I think that’d be for the best, yeah.”

Adora nodded and excused themselves. She reassured Glimmer that they’d be back soon.

Once they got back to the room, they sat down on the bed and Catra took Adora’s hand in hers.

“Catra, are you okay? Whatever you dreamed about it kind of seems like it did a number on you.”

Catra sighed.

“It’s not that. It’s just, my dream was more like a memory, again. From when we were kids, in the Fright Zone?”

“Oh, okay. I’m listening.”

It was never easy for Catra to talk about these kinds of things and Adora understood that, but she seemed to have a particularly difficult time right now. She squeezed Catra’s hands in reassurance, smiling at her.

“It was about Lazlo.”

Adora could tell that it took Catra a lot to say that and the anticipation for her answer hang between them, freezing time. Only, this didn’t help Adora to see what it was all about.

“Okay,” she finally said, hoping Catra would go on to explain.

“And, yeah,” Catra continued. She was searching for something in Adora’s eyes, but what, Adora couldn’t tell. “I don’t even know why. Don’t ask why my subconscious suddenly remembered it now.”

Adora hummed along.

“We never really talked about it, and, I guess, we don’t have to,” Catra was fiddling with her fingers now. She seemed nervous, tentative, and Adora felt the urge to hug her. Hold her. But she didn’t grab hold of Catra’s hands, not again, deciding to give her space instead. “It’s just all part of growing up in the Horde, huh?”

“Yeah, it is,” Adora didn’t know what exactly Catra was referring to, but the nervous energy Catra was talking with, that she was familiar with. It was only after she left the Horde that she realized how often the Fright Zone put her at unease. When your whole life is centered around that unease, it’s hard to even recognize it.

Catra averted her gaze for a while and when she looked back up at Adora, she noticed the hint of confusion she'd been trying to hide. She raised her eyebrows.

“So, that’s it? End of discussion?” she sounded frustrated and Adora was quick to try and put out the fire.

“No! I mean, if you want to talk more I’m always here for you, but I’m not too sure what you want me to say.”

“I don’t have much else to say, either. I guess I just thought that after all these years we could talk through it, now that Shadow Weaver’s gone.”

Shadow Weaver. It always came back to Shadow Weaver.

“Right,” Adora said, breaking the silence of expectation once again. With every new thing Catra said she was getting more unsure about what she was referring to.

“Right,” Catra repeated, eyeing Adora. “So, do _you_ want to talk about it? About him?”

“Sorry, who was this again?” Adora just had to ask.

Catra looked at her, incredulous, almost offended.

“I told you, Lazlo! You had every commanding officer’s details memorized so somehow I doubt you forgot this one.” she scoffed, bitter. Offended it was then.

“Commanding officer?” Adora creased her eyebrows, trying and failing to come up with anyone named Lazlo in the Horde. “We didn’t have a commanding officer like that. Maybe this was after I left the Fright Zone?”

“What? I... what?” Catra shook her head. “No! Lazlo, you know, bulky guy, grey scales, red eyes, creepy grin? Commander of our squad for a while?”

Adora's concern was growing. Catra was clearly convinced that this was someone they both knew but Adora couldn’t think of anyone who matched that description, or that name. Sure, she didn’t exactly love to think about her Horde days but she did remember them, and she certainly remembered every commanding officer she ever had. Catra must have mixed things up.

“Catra,” she said softly, not wanting to sound hostile “There wasn’t anyone like that in the Horde. Maybe there was later on, but not when we were kids.”

“No! I know we never talked about this but... Ugh, Adora, he attacked you! You can’t have forgotten!”

Catra stood up and started pacing around in the room. Adora tried to calm her but she shrugged off her touches.

“Catra, I don’t know what you’re talking about! Are you sure it was a memory and not just a dream? It must have felt so real but it was just a dream, it’s okay, he can’t hurt you.”

“Hurt me? Unbelievable,” Catra growled in frustration. “Don’t you see? Or are you really that desperate to continue ignoring this?”

“I don’t know what this is! Catra, no one attacked me,” It hurt Adora to see Catra like this. She was so convinced that her dream was real. But like Catra also admitted, Adora remembered everyone from the Horde and Lazlo never existed. “Look, maybe you should check in with Perfuma. Or Scorpia, you know, she’s been trying to help out with all the meditations.”

“I don’t need them, I need you to listen to me!” Catra snapped at her. But then, her eyes widened in realization. Catra stopped in her tracks, as if she’d forgotten about Adora for a moment.

“Scorpia,” Catra whispered. “Yes, I’ll do that. Tell Sparkles to continue the meeting without me.”

“Catra!”

Before Adora could stop her, Catra leapt out of the window. And just like that, she was gone.


	2. Memories We Share, Memories We Don't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra turns to Scorpia in search of the truth and realizes more than she bargained for.

Catra was halfway to Plumeria when she realized she should have taken Melog with her. It certainly would have been easier, though she didn’t feel tired at all. She kept running and running with a singular goal in mind: find Scorpia.

She couldn’t believe Adora. She was nervous about bringing Lazlo up, worried about what Adora might say about it after all these years of complete silence. Turns out, complete silence made Adora pretend the man never even existed.

She seemed so genuine in her confusion. If Catra didn’t know any better, she would have thought that Adora was right and there really wasn’t anyone named Lazlo. But she did know better. She remembered!

A small voice in her head told her to consider the other possibility. Maybe it really was just a dream and the intensity tricked her into thinking it was real. But she remembered facts beyond what her nightmare covered.

She remembered the first time Lazlo had trained them. They were around 15 years old and he took an instant liking to Adora. Being Adora, she was eager to show off, please a commanding officer. Catra hated the way he talked to the squad in that awful, superficially sweet but demanding voice. Lonnie was busy competing with Adora, Rogelio didn’t seem to care and Kyle, well, he was just trying to survive. But Catra kept an eye on him. She tried, anyway. Clearly, she should have tried harder and then they wouldn't be in this situation.

Catra sped up, leaving the memories behind. She needed to find Scorpia to confirm what she remembered. There was no point dwelling on these memories before she knew for sure that she was right and that Adora was so deep in denial she managed to forget.

When she got to Plumeria she immediately noticed Scorpia. She spent most of her time there these days - there was still a lot of work to be done with what used to be the Fright Zone.

“Catra!” Scorpia yelled when she saw her, arms already open and ready for a hug. “What a nice surprise, we weren’t expecting you. Would you like any tea?”

“I’ll pass,” Catra said, carefully evading Scorpia’s arms. They were on good terms, or at least getting there, but Catra only endured as many hugs as she absolutely had to. “Hey listen, I need to talk to you about the Horde.”

Scorpia’s bright smile faltered ever so slightly.

“Oh, okay.”

“Relax, I just want to know what you remember about a commander named Lazlo.”

“Hmm, Lazlo, let me think. Yeah, he was a nasty dude, I didn’t like him much. And I like everyone!”

“I knew it!” Catra hissed. Okay, so she wasn’t the delusional one. “And what do you remember about his fall from grace?”

Scorpia shifted uncomfortably. Much like the rest of them, she preferred not to think about their past in the Horde.

“Not much, really. I mean, I heard rumors, but...”

“Scorpia, it’s okay,” Catra’s expression softened and she put a hand on Scorpia’s shoulder. “We’re not in the Horde anymore. There is no Horde anymore.”

“Shadow Weaver got rid of him a couple of years ago, if I remember correctly. It was shortly before I made Force Captain.”

That lined up with what Catra remembered. “Got rid of him how? And do you know why?”

“Catra, what is this about?” Scorpia asked and she was looking at her with an expression Catra knew all too well. Whenever Catra would stay up all night planning against the Rebellion, whenever she would lash out, Scorpia would look at her with this glint in her eyes. She used to hate it, mistaking it for condescension and a judgment of her weakness.

Catra took a deep breath. She knew better now. She had to do better now. In the time since that fateful day on Prime’s ship, Catra was faced with decisions like this every day. _Be better_ , a voice that sounded an awful lot like Adora’s said in her head.

Adora. That’s why she was here, in Plumeria, and that’s why she was asking about a random Horde officer.

“Listen, I don’t really know yet,” Catra finally admitted. “But I remembered something about him yesterday and I really need to know if I was just imagining things or if I’m right.”

Scorpia was taken aback by her candor. “It has to do with Adora, doesn’t it?” she asked, her voice much quieter than her usual grandiosity.

Catra nodded. “So you remember, too?”

“I really don’t know much,” Scorpia continued. “Like I said, I was just a cadet. Shadow Weaver shut everyone down who even mentioned Lazlo’s name afterward, but people still talked. About a fight between him and a cadet. I found out later that the cadet was Adora”

Lazlo was very much real. He did train their squad and there was an incident between him and Adora that lead her to the infirmary and him...

“And do you know what happened to him?”

Scorpia pondered for a moment. “No one ever saw him again, that’s for sure.”

Shadow Weaver took care of him, of course. Though if everything Catra remembered was correct, good riddance.

“What about this... fight Lazlo and Adora had? Do you know what that was about?”

Scorpia sighed. “Based on what I heard, it was more like an ambush. Look, Catra, people talked in the Horde but only when they could. And I never really wanted to listen... But I heard rumors about Lazlo, how inappropriate he was with cadets. Between you and me, I didn’t exactly feel sorry for him when Adora kicked his ass.”

Catra let out a small chuckle. It was rare to hear Scorpia agree with her on such matters, and rarer still to hear her swear to any extent.

Her smile faded like whiplash, though, when she realized the implications. She was right in everything, right down to the awful detail of Lazlo’s attack on Adora. And Adora didn’t remember any of it.

Like it always did, no matter how much Catra tried to run away from her, from her memory, it came down to Shadow Weaver. She forbade people from talking about him. She... banished him, or whatever it was that she did. She made sure Adora repressed the hell out of it.

“She doesn’t remember,” Catra muttered. “She really doesn’t remember. All of this was real, it happened, and Adora doesn’t remember.”

“What?” Scorpia asked. “You talked to her about this? How can she not remember?”

“She said she didn’t even remember anyone named Lazlo. Either she’s that deep in denial or...”

Catra trailed off. Shadow Weaver, it really did always come back to Shadow Weaver. She made sure Catra and everyone else in the Horde were too afraid to ever bring him up again. She clearly succeeded in making Adora forget.fr

Scorpia was saying something but Catra didn’t register the words. She felt a tightness in her chest and her stomach sank. It made sense. It was the only explanation that made sense. She thought back to Princess Prom and what Shadow Weaver was going to do. She wanted Adora back, _her_ Adora. Shadow Weaver had always been possessive of her little favorite. Part of Catra always resented Adora for that.

But as the realization dawned on her, Catra felt less jealous of Adora and more disgusted at Shadow Weaver. Even from beyond the grave, that witch continued to haunt the two of them.

“Scorpia,” she interrupted. “I need to get back to Bright Moon. I need to talk to Adora.”

The request made Scorpia stop for a second “Yeah, okay. Of course. I’ll get Perfuma and we’ll go with you.”

Catra needed to talk to Adora. She needed to tell her that Princess Prom wasn’t the first time Shadow Weaver tried to wipe her memories. But it might have been the first time she failed.

* * *

Catra was thinking about the best ways to go about this.

Scorpia and Perfuma left her to her thoughts on the journey back to Bright Moon. They tried starting a conversation but they soon realized that Catra was way too deep in her own thoughts to deal with the two of them.

She knew it was true. She knew it was the only way this made any sense. No matter how twisted it seemed, no matter how much she wanted to believe that Shadow Weaver wouldn’t sink so low, deep down, she knew.

Catra thought back to Princess Prom, how Shadow Weaver didn’t even hesitate to push her aside and wipe Adora’s mind as soon as she got her hands on her.

How many other times did Shadow Weaver succeed? How many times did she poke around in Adora’s head without Catra noticing? She was getting sick at the thought of Shadow Weaver manipulating Adora to such extent.

Catra was getting angry now. But she couldn’t afford to get angry, because she still had to tell Adora. She couldn’t help it.

She considered other possibilities. Maybe Adora was just in denial like Catra originally thought. Maybe the many hits Adora took to the head over the years resulted in memory loss. Maybe she moved on so successfully that the name Lazlo or the mention of an attack didn’t even ring a bell.

Catra wanted to believe that there was an alternative, but she felt like she knew Shadow Weaver better than most. She wanted to believe that maybe, just maybe, even if the sorcerer did do this, it was purely to protect Adora from the memory. But truth was, she did know better.

* * *

When they finally reached Bright Moon, Catra stormed to the meeting room. Adora, Glimmer, Bow, and Micah were all still there, along with Melog.

“Catra! You’re back,” Adora darted up from her seat and went to Catra. There was the slightest hesitation in her movement. Catra considered, for the first time, how confusing their previous conversation must have been for her.

“Adora,” she said, as softly as she could manage. She thought so much about this on the way over, but now that was staring into Adora’s deep blue eyes, she was at a complete loss for words.

How do you tell your girlfriend, your childhood best friend, that the person who raised you both messed with her memories?

Melog whimpered and snuggled up to Adora’s legs.

“You guys! You can’t just barge in here!” Glimmer exclaimed, looking at the three intruders.

“Oh, yes, sorry about that. Hi everyone! We didn’t mean to disturb,” Scorpia waved.

“We just wanted to make sure Catra got back safely, there was a lot of tense energy around her when she came to visit. I’m still sensing something,” Perfuma explained. “We should all sit down and talk this out.”

“Adora, I need to talk to you. Alone,” Catra needed to get her out of here. All this blabbering, all this noise was not helping. Melog came up to her now and buried their face in her leg, nervous.

“What’s going on? Is everything alright?” Bow asked.

“Catra, are you okay?” Adora asked, concerned.

“Just come with me, okay? I’ll explain.”

“Perhaps it’s best if we postpone the rest of this meeting,” Micah said, trying to cut through the now overlapping voices.

Glimmer was demanding answers. Bow and Perfuma tried calming everyone. Scorpia thought it best to distract the others from the tension. Adora kept telling Catra that it was okay, they could figure it out, but she wouldn’t just _listen_ to her and Catra was having enough. Melog’s fur turned scarlet before Catra could stop herself.

“If we all just sit down and meditate.”

“Guys, I think we should give them some privacy.”

“You better have a good reason for skipping then interrupting the meeting. This is important, you know? And you’re supposed to be a part of it.”

“Would anyone like some cake?”

“Hey, Catra? What is it?”

Catra ignored the others' voices the best she could. “Adora, please,” she tried to keep herself calm, but Melog’s mane was a strange orange now and Catra didn’t want to have the conversation like this, shouting over one another.

Everyone was talking around her and closing in and Catra felt like she lost her voice again. No one was listening, Adora was going on about how it was going to be alright, the others wouldn’t just _leave_.

She felt like she was back in the Fright Zone, Shadow Weaver towering over her. She was losing breath as Hordak went on about _loyalty_ and _honesty_ as if he had the first idea about those things. She felt herself sinking back to Prime’s ship and green everywhere and her voice being drowned out, literally...

So she snapped.

“No, it’s not alright! Shadow Weaver wiped your mind!”

Her yell was followed by Melog’s growl and whimper. They calmed almost immediately after and returned to Adora, pressing their nose into her side. Only Melog’s soft purrs could be heard in the room as everyone was trying to process what Catra had just said.

_That could have gone better. So much for delicacy._

“No, wait, shit, sorry,” Catra tried to compose herself. “Adora, I-”

“What?” Adora’s mouth was gaping. She looked like getting out even that one syllable took extreme concentration. It was enough to give everyone else permission to speak again.

“She could do that?” Bow asked.

“No no no,” Glimmer started. “She tried, after Princess Prom, but we got away. Right, Adora? We got away.”

“Oh,” Scorpia said. “Oh! Oh, that’s not good.”

“Unbelievable,” Micah’s whisper was barely audible in the chatter but Catra’s ears picked it up. “I never thought she’d go that far.”

“Catra,” Adora said, finding her words again. Her bewildered expression pained Catra. This really wasn’t how this conversation was supposed to go. “I don’t understand. What’s going on?”

“Adora, please, I can explain, I just need you to come with me,” Catra pleaded, closing the distance between them and grabbing Adora’s hands.

“But why would Shadow Weaver make Adora forget about Lazlo?” Scorpia pondered.

Adora looked at her and Catra really wished everyone else would shut up and let them leave.

“You said,” Adora’s eyes darted between Catra and Scorpia. “You said that guy attacked me. Is that why I don’t remember? Shadow Weaver made me forget that?”

“Attacked you? Who is this guy?” Glimmer's voice rose.

“Catra, what happened?”

Catra couldn’t answer. This was all overwhelming to her. Now everyone was questioning her, whether with their looks or their words. Melog snuggled themselves between her and Adora.

“Alright, everyone,” Micah said, his voice drawing everyone’s attention. “I think it’s time we give these two a break. Come on, then.”

If anyone wanted to protest, they didn’t. Perfuma and Scorpia were quick to move, and Bow and Glimmer shared a look of understanding. Catra knew they would have to explain everything to them eventually, but that could wait.

They were finally alone. Even Melog decided to give them some privacy. _Be strong for her_ , they said before leaving the room.

Adora sank into her chair, waiting for Catra to start talking.

Right. She finally had what she wanted, time alone with Adora. A chance to talk. And now for the hard part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't sure about having Catra realize the mind wipe so early on but she's canonically an observant character and I figured any other way would have been even more angsty. Don't believe me? We'll see.
> 
> In the next chapter, Catra and Adora have A Conversation. And a cuddle, as a treat.
> 
> Thanks for all the comments, keep it up!


	3. Hold Me Closer (Than My Demons Do)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra tries her best and Adora needs a break.

Adora’s thoughts were each racing a hundred miles per hour, none of them quite reaching their destination, none forming a single coherent sentence. Flashes of Catra and Shadow Weaver bounced around in her mind, trying to put everything together. Trying to make sense of what Catra had just told her.

She didn’t know which revelation to deal with first: that Shadow Weaver had erased her memories, or what those memories were. Every thought she had merged into another, stopping her from getting anywhere.

She finally had enough when she realized she didn’t have enough to go on. She rested her elbows on her knees and looked up at Catra. She couldn’t say anything, the chaos in her head stopping the words from forming. But thankfully, Catra understood.

“I wish I had a better way of telling you this,” she began. “I don’t know everything, either. But I talked to Scorpia, and when she said she also remembered Lazlo... There’s no other explanation.”

Adora nodded. She thought back to the rescue after Princess Prom.

Shadow Weaver standing over her. Her cold fingers on her temples. How she could _feel_ the dark magic weave through her mind, trying to invade her memories. The pain as Shadow Weaver tried to rip them away from her.

She winced. She didn’t want to believe it, but Catra was right. Even without her and Scorpia saying that there definitely was someone named Lazlo in the Horde that Adora didn’t remember, she couldn’t deny that Shadow Weaver trying to erase her memories felt... familiar.

It was faint, the memory of a memory. She remembered the feeling of remembering, not the actual event itself. The more she tried to put her finger on it, the more lost she felt.

She didn’t think much of it at the time, she was too focused on Glimmer and Bow and the everything that happened with Entrapta. But Adora knew, in this moment, that Catra was right. Shadow Weaver had messed with her memories.

“So what happened that she didn’t want me to remember?” she asked, finally feeling like she was ready to hear the answer. Accepting that Shadow Weaver did wipe her mind helped her focus on what it was that she needed to forget in the first place. She could deal with the memory loss later.

Catra brought her legs up to her seat and crossed them, nervously scratching them. This wasn’t any easier for her, Adora realized.

“Well, like I said, I don’t have the full story,” she began. “All I know is that Lazlo was a commander we had for a few months when we were cadets. One day, he said he’d have a special training session just for you. The next thing I knew, he attacked you and Shadow Weaver took you to the infirmary.”

There were so many things that just did not make any sense to Adora. Did this mean that she lost months of her life?

“I think... I think I remember getting back to training afterward,” she said. “I know everyone was acting weird, but Shadow Weaver said I had a training accident and was out for two weeks.”

Was that what it really was? Shadow Weaver covering everything up with a convenient story and mind wipe? She thought back to all her training accidents. There were definitely some that she only remembered the aftermath of.

“Yeah, that’s right, you returned after two weeks. And when you got back, Shadow Weaver forbade everyone from ever mentioning Lazlo.”

Adora considered this.

“But this still doesn’t explain what happened. Why would a commander train me then suddenly just, attack me?”

Catra didn't answer immediately. She shifted in her seat, her eyes avoiding Adora's.

“Listen, I only got there at the end, but I never liked that creep. I guess I should have seen it coming...” Catra trailed off, gazing into the distance.

This didn’t help Adora at all.

“At the end of what? Catra, please. What happened with Lazlo?”

Catra looked back at her.

“When I got to the training room, Lazlo was unconscious. You must have stunned him with his baton. You were... you were badly bruised, I think your nose was bleeding. He tore your shirt apart,” Catra’s voice got more quiet, pained. “Adora, I didn’t know....”

Adora could see a glint of a teardrop in Catra’s eye. She rushed to her, kneeling beside the chair. She put one hand on Catra’s and the other cupped her cheek.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Adora reassured her. “Catra, this wasn’t your fault. None of it was.”

“Shadow Weaver never told me what happened. I tried asking. I never knew for sure, but... Based on everything, I think he assaulted you. I think he was trying to rape you.”

Adora’s hand fell from Catra’s face. She still held her eyes, she could see Catra searching for... something.

She didn’t know how to react, she didn’t know how she was _supposed_ to react. She could feel her previous composure slipping, but instead of thoughts racing through her mind, now it felt empty. There was so much going on in her mind that it all imploded and left a void.

“Adora?” she heard Catra’s voice, felt her hand grasp hers. “Adora, talk to me.”

“So.. so a commanding officer tried to rape me? And I fought him off, and Shadow Weaver got there, and... she wiped my memories of it.”

“Basically, yes,” Catra was still searching her eyes. “How are you feeling?”

“I don’t know,” Adora answered, and it felt like the most honest thing she could say at that moment. “I just... I feel like I need answers.”

Catra nodded.

They stayed like that for a while. They held each other, not saying a word. Adora focused on Catra’s soft purring but she couldn’t stop her emerging headache. This was just too much.

* * *

She couldn’t quite remember how they got back to the room. She was grateful for the peace and quiet that Bright Moon provided. It was a temporary escape from facing the reality of the situation, she knew it, but it still felt nice.

They lay in bed, Adora’s head resting on Catra’s chest. She listened to Catra’s heartbeat, focused on the steady rhythm. _Thump, thump_. Catra’s exhales filled her ears and provided a sense of safety. Adora was latching onto her, her arm clutching Catra’s waist.

Catra’s own hand rested on Adora’s back. She would occasionally draw circles and Adora leaned into the slight pressure.

The throbbing in her head that emerged in the meeting room calmed but haven’t disappeared. It was there as a constant reminder of the things Adora had to deal with. But for a while, even if it was only half a day, she allowed herself to push that ache aside and stay focused on Catra’s embrace. She was afraid of where she would drift without it.

“Catra?” she whispered, not willing to move yet but willing to break the silence.

“Hmm?” Catra didn’t want to disrupt the balance they found, either. She continued drawing circles on Adora’s back.

Adora opened her mouth and realized she didn’t know what to say. Out of the many, many questions she still had about Lazlo and Shadow Weaver and possible gaps in her memory, none came out. As soon as she began forming a thought she felt exhaustion overtake her. She decided, for once in her life, not to fight it.

Adora tightened her grip on Catra’s waist, wanting to feel her even closer.

“I love you.”

Catra let Adora’s words linger. No matter how many times they said those magical words to each other, it always made both of their hearts swell. And it was exactly in moments like these that Adora felt like nothing quite captured everything she wanted to say like those three little words.

“I love you, too.”

And nothing quite captured everything she needed to hear like those four.

* * *

She had no idea how much time had passed before Glimmer and Bow knocked on their door.

Catra and Adora sat up as the other two entered and joined them on the bed.

“Hey,” Glimmer started, her tone cautious. “We just wanted to check in on you guys.”

Catra looked at Adora, waiting for a cue as to how to proceed. Adora knew the moment the others left the meeting room that she would have to fill them in later. She wasn’t looking forward to it, but Glimmer and Bow were her best friends and this was something she needed to share with them. For all their sakes.

“Turns out, there’s quite a bit I don’t remember about the Horde,” Adora said.

“So, she did do it? Shadow Weaver... really wiped your mind?” Bow asked.

“We can’t know for sure what happened,” Catra answered. “Especially with the devil herself gone. But it’s the only explanation we got.”

Glimmer and Bow exchanged a glance, both their expressions solemn.

“I can’t believe this,” Glimmer said. “How could she do that to you? I know she wasn’t exactly a pillar of morality but that’s just so... wrong!”

Adora looked down. It was wrong. If Shadow Weaver was still here... But she was gone, and she couldn’t confront her about it. After all this and she didn’t even get to ask _why_.

“What happened with that Lazlo guy, then?” Bow directed the question more at Catra than Adora.

Catra didn’t answer at first and Adora wondered if she didn’t trust Bow and Glimmer. They’d been getting along just fine and she could tell, even if Catra wouldn’t admit it, that she liked them. But Catra’s also been tense all day and Adora knew better than anyone about Catra’s tendencies to lash out.

But Catra, to her credit, and perhaps in no small part to Perfuma’s, didn’t get upset at Bow for asking the question.

“He was commander in the Horde. He...” she trailed off and looked at Adora. A curt nod told Catra to go ahead, tell them everything. “He tried to rape Adora. Shadow Weaver got rid of him. And of Adora’s memories, apparently.”

Glimmer and Bow were both immediately horrified and Adora hated that such a reaction was on her behalf.

“Guys, it’s okay,” Adora said. “Well, I mean, it’s not. But I fought him off! I think.”

She knitted her eyebrows. Catra said told Adora she fought him off, stunned him with his own baton. But Catra wasn’t there. A dreadful thought crawled into her head. Catra didn’t know the whole truth and neither did Adora. Now, she was afraid she would never find out. She was afraid of what that whole truth might be.

Glimmer’s voice brought her out of the void she was mentally slipping into.

“Oh, Adora,” the pity in Glimmer’s eyes didn’t make it any easier for her. “How can we help?”

Adora wasn’t sure. She knew she would need her best friends to get through this, but the more she thought about it the more she realized that she had no idea of what that entailed.

“I appreciate it, guys, but I don’t think there’s anything to do,” she admitted. “I don’t know what Shadow Weaver did or how to reverse it.” _Or whether I want to reverse it._

“Maybe my dad can help!” Glimmer exclaimed. “He would never use magic for anything like that, but maybe he can figure it out how to restore your memories. We could undo Shadow Weaver’s damage.”

“It sounds like it’s worth a shot. If there’s anything I learned from Entrapta, it’s that everything can be reverse-engineered. Maybe dark magic can, too,” Bow said and Adora appreciated his positivity. He appreciated her friends’ willingness to “undo the damage”. But that nagging thought in her head grew bigger, taking up more space. It told her to leave it. It even suggested that maybe... maybe there was a reason Shadow Weaver got rid of that memory.

Catra could feel Adora’s tension. “Why don’t we discuss this later? You guys can talk to Micah and we’ll get back to it tomorrow. I think Adora and I are going rest for now: It’s been a day.”

“Yeah, sure,” Bow said and stood, holding Glimmer’s hand. “Give us a shout if you need anything.”

“We’re here for you,” Glimmer added before they left. “Both of you.”

The sound of the door closing echoed in the room.

Catra leaned back on the bed and patted the space next to her. “Come back and snuggle with me? We earned this rest.”

“I think I need to clear my head,” Adora stood up and put on her jacket. “I’m going on a run. I’ll be back soon, don’t worry, I just... I need this.”

Catra eyed her. Adora thought she might stop her, ask her to stay, or insist on going with. But instead, Catra let her go, without questions. “Okay. I’ll be here.”

Adora smiled and gave Catra a quick kiss on the lips.

* * *

To Adora, running had always been about survival. It had always been about training to be better, training to be there faster, to get away quicker. It was never just to _be_.

It was through the Rebellion that Adora realized running could be for herself. She realized how liberating it felt to run, not away from or towards anything, just around. In circles. Wherever.

It became a way for her to relax. It was still training, technically, so she didn’t have to feel bad about wasting time. But it was also something that was just hers. She didn’t have to live up to any expectations or justify herself.

She was simply putting one foot in front of the other.

One, two, one, two.

She was leaving the ground behind, with every step she was putting more distance between herself and her starting point. And in those brief, glorious moments when both of her legs were off the ground, she felt free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A slower chapter before the bit of action that's coming next time, featuring She-Ra and Adora's anxiety. It's fun to deal with repressed childhood trauma with friends.
> 
> Thanks for all the support so far! I'm curious as to where you see this story going. Updates will be weekly from now on, if I can keep myself to that schedule.


	4. Rage Against the Dying of the Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Best Friend Squad gets a call to action and Adora seeks comfort in She-Ra.

It's not like Adora had never thought that something was wrong. There had been a constant shadow in the corner of her eye for as long as she could remember. She knew it was wrong, somehow, but she never dared to look lest the shadow overtakes her whole vision, consume her.

Now she knew. Or least had an idea as to what that was. It wasn't a constant presence; it was an absence. Of her own memories, of who she was. Shadow Weaver had taken that away from her.

And yet, even knowing that, she didn't know if she dared to look. She was torn between wanting to reclaim her memories, her mind, and being terrified of what she might find. The need to understand what had happened to her and the fear of reliving it were in a vicious battle and it was one that Adora felt like she was inevitably going to lose.

These thoughts kept Adora up at night. She kept going back and forth, debating herself but simultaneously trying not to think too hard.

It was Catra who saved her from her thoughts. She awoke not long after the morning light was beginning to touch her cheek. She took one look at Adora and realized that she hadn’t slept at all.

“Adora,” Catra murmured into Adora’s neck as she snuggled up to her. “You need to sleep.”

“We practically spent all day yesterday in bed. I had plenty of rest,” Adora smiled as she replied to Catra but it was a weak effort.

Catra sighed but didn’t disagree.

They both knew Adora wouldn't truly rest until she was dead.

* * *

Glimmer and Micah found her later that day. Adora nodded along as they explained their plans. 

“Shadow Weaver needed the Black Garnet to successfully erase memories,” Micah said. “Even dark magic isn’t powerful enough on its own to achieve such a feat. It probably took a lot out of her, too, so I don’t think she did it too often.”

Adora looked to the side. _Great_ , she thought. _Not too often._ Just her whole life before she left for the Rebellion. Eighteen years of missing memories.

“But that means there might be a way to harness the Black Garnet’s energy and unlock your memories,” Glimmer continued. “We’ve been talking and it’s unlikely that your memories were actually erased. More like locked away, somehow.”

Adora nodded, humming along. Unlocking memories. Memories that Shadow Weaver never wanted her to see. How much of her childhood was she robbed of? Were they all as awful as the Lazlo memory would have been? An involuntary shudder ran through her as she considered the possibilities. The battle of need and fear raged on.

“Adora?” Glimmer sensed her discomfort. “I know this must be a lot to deal with, but if you want us to, we could help get your memories back. I know they might be... unpleasant. But they’re still yours, Shadow Weaver should have never taken that away from you.”

Adora felt Glimmer’s hand on her shoulder and saw the warmth in her eyes when she turned her head.

Glimmer saved her the last time Shadow Weaver tried to mess with her mind. She remembered the agony of it, made worse by the fear that her memories of Glimmer and Bow and the Rebellion could be taken away from her just like that.

Micah entered her field of vision and snapped her out of the train of thought. Adora realized how much she’d been drifting off and she willed herself to be more present.

“Sorcerers were never meant to use their powers in such ways. Shadow Weaver was already stretching the limitations of magic, but this...” he said and looked at Adora with the same determination she’d seen in Glimmer many times. “We’ll right her wrongs. I know that some of these memories might be painful to face, but Glimmer’s right. We’re all here for you, Adora.”

Adora looked at them, father and daughter, both so willing to help her. Both had experienced first hand what it’s like to be manipulated by Shadow Weaver, to be stepping stones in her quest for power. If there was anyone Adora could trust with this, it was Micah and Glimmer.

Part of Adora was still unsure. Like Micah said, there were some potentially painful memories locked away there. But now that she knew... Would it really be so bad to let it go? During her long night of sleeplessness she even considered that Shadow Weaver had made the right decision. Maybe some memories weren’t worth keeping.

As she looked at Micah and Glimmer, though, she knew they were right. She knew that Shadow Weaver was wrong and she was entitled to know what had happened to her. She knew all that, even as a small voice of doubt persisted.

“Thank you, both of you,” she finally said, enveloping them in a hug. “I know this isn’t going to be easy, but I appreciate everything you’re doing for me.”

* * *

Adora told Catra about what Glimmer and Micah said later that day. They were sitting at the foot of the east tower, Melog resting next to them.

“So that’s good, right?” Catra asked. “They could help you.”

“Yeah,” Adora said. She saw how peaceful Melog was and she wished she could be like that. “Maybe. They’re not sure it will work.”

Catra lay down on the grass and gazed at the bright blue sky.

“Worth a try though, isn’t it?” she asked, her voice quiet.

Adora lay next to her, their arms intertwined.

“I suppose. I just...” Adora’s thoughts kept trailing off, never allowing her to properly express herself.

“You’re scared.” Catra finished for her. They both kept staring at the sky.

It wasn’t a question. It was a mutual understanding. They could never admit such a thing in the Horde, but even back then they knew when the other was afraid.

“Yeah.” Adora admitted after a moment of silence.

Catra hummed. “It’s all things that have already happened, though. I know that doesn’t make it any less shitty, trust me.”

Catra scoffed and it made Adora wince. She squeezed Catra’s hand.

“But it’s still a part of you. And it’s not like it can hurt you now,” Catra's voice was so quiet that Adora wondered if she was directing the words more at herself than anyone else.

Adora considered this. She knew Catra was right, but somehow it didn’t feel like she was going to face things of the past. Sure, the memories she lost had already happened, but she was going to experience them for the first time. Again.

“Look at you, when did you get so wise?” she teased Catra, trying to lighten the mood.

“Oh, shut up,” Catra nudged Adora’s shoulder. “This is what happens when you make me talk to Perfuma.”

Adora chuckled but she thought about what Catra said.

“Does it really help? Facing it all?”

She could tell that Catra was doing better, but she also knew how difficult it was.

Catra pondered for a while.

“Yeah, it does. And you know it’s true if even I’m admitting it.”

Adora smiled. The thought of Catra actively working towards a better life made a warm feeling wash over her. She turned her head to look at her girlfriend.

They were here, in Bright Moon, and they were together. It was enough to ignore the shadow in the corner of her eye and make her believe that everything would be okay.

Catra, upon realizing that Adora was staring at her, turned her head.

“Ugh, stop with those big cute eyes, okay? Don’t get all mushy on me.”

Adora’s grin only grew wilder and Catra rolled her eyes but didn’t bother hiding her smirk. Adora leaned in to capture Catra’s lips with hers.

They both melted into the kiss before it was interrupted by a loud pop. The sound of Glimmer’s teleportation.

Catra jumped as soon as she heard Glimmer and Bow, her fur standing up.

“Ach! Haven’t you ever heard of knocking?” she yelled.

Bow threw her a confused look. “But, there’s no door. We’re... outside?”

“Whatever,” Catra muttered. Adora could see Catra’s blush and she giggled as she stood up.

“While you guys were busy making out, we received a distress signal from Alwyn,” Glimmer said.

“What is it?” Adora asked, suddenly alert. “And please don’t tell it’s haunted by ghosts again.”

“What? Ghosts?” Catra’s confusion amused Adora but the story had to wait.

“I’ll explain later.”

“It’s not ghosts, although it might be something we’ve seen before,” Bow pointed at his tablet. “They say a beast started terrorizing the village. It’s probably like the ones in the Whispering Woods.”

“Great!” Glimmer blurted out. When the others threw her questioning looks, she explained. “This can be our first proper, post-war Best Friend Squad mission together!”

“So, do you have a real plan or is She-Ra just going to do her weird magic and get rid of it?” Catra asked.

Glimmer thought for a second. “Yes,” she said, and before Catra had a chance to protest, Glimmer grabbed hold of the four of them and Melog, and teleported to Alwyn.

Catra immediately dropped to her knees when they arrived, Melog by her side.

“Would it really kill you to give a heads-up?!” she raged and Adora chuckled. This took her back to the time they came back to Etheria and Catra started feeling like a part of the group. As much as she loved the tranquillity of Bright Moon, it felt good to be out there as a team and helping people again.

“Come on, Catra, you’ll live,” Adora helped her up and Catra hissed at her and Glimmer, but didn’t let go of Adora’s hand.

They landed just outside Alwyn but it didn’t take long to see what the villagers were talking about. An enormous beast with six legs and six eyes was chasing people around. There wasn’t a particular method to its hunt, just a blind pursuit of anyone in sight.

Bow was right. It was very similar to the monsters they had encountered in the Whispering Woods and the Crystal Castle.

“You guys help get the villagers to safety, I’ll handle the beast,” Adora told the others and ran down on the hill they were standing on and towards the village.

Glimmer and Bow rushed to the aid of the villagers but Catra shouted after her: “Adora, wait!” she growled in frustration and jumped on Melog’s back.

“It’s alright, I’ve got this,” Adora called back. “For the honor of Grayskull!”

Adora felt a familiar warmth embrace her. Transforming into She-Ra was an experience that became a part of her soul and yet never failed to surprise her with its intensity. It was magic at its purest, an extension of her very own being. After the emotional whirlwind of the day before, it felt liberating to become She-Ra and be in control again.

With newfound strength, Adora approached the beast.

“Hey there, buddy. It’s okay, nothing to be afraid of.”

Catra had caught up to her, and from the corner of her eye, Adora could see her brace herself on Melog’s back, ready to jump into action.

“You don’t want to hurt anyone, do you? I know the release of all this new magic must have been a bit of a shock to you but it’s okay, no one’s gonna hurt you.”

The creature stopped running around and focused on She-Ra. Adora approached it, slowly, the Sword of Protection facing away and her other hand reaching out.

“There we go, see?” she touched its head and a yellow light spread from her fingertips through the creature. A sense of peace rushed through both of them. She closed her eyes and focused on calming the creature, healing it.

She could feel it working, the energy surrounding the whole area. A light engulfed Alwyn and Adora relaxed into the touch. She allowed herself to get lost in the feeling.

She felt a tugging, something wanting her to focus on the shadow in the corner of her eye. Her eyes were still closed and yet, she could feel it lurking in the back of her mind. As She-Ra, it seemed much stronger, but Adora also felt invincible in that moment. If only She-Ra’s light could reach it...

She was jerked away from it by a sharp noise in her ear. She screamed as she felt her connection to the beast weaken and her mind was flooded with images and voices, a barely intelligible cavalcade.

Just like that, she wasn’t in Alwyn anymore, but back in the Fright Zone, strapped to a table, Shadow Weaver cold fingers on her temple. Magic was piercing through her mind, invading her, and a voice. Shadow Weaver’s voice.

_You need to focus, Adora. You can’t afford distractions._

_Prove your worth._

_You don’t want to be a disappointment, do you?_

_Adora, Adora..._

Images flashed in her mind. Shadow Weaver. Catra, back when they were young. Red eyes staring at her, into her soul. Hands across her throat. Cold, so cold. Darkness was overtaking her whole vision and she was disappearing in the invasion of memories.

Adora was dragged back to reality just as violently as she was taken away from it. When she opened her eyes, the creature was snarling at her again, ready to strike. The warm energy was gone, and so was She-Ra.

She fell back as the creature growled. She crawled backward, trying to get away, to get She-Ra back.

“Adora!” she heard Catra shout, and before the creature could snap its mouth around her ankle, she was dragged away by Melog.

Adora felt sick. Everything blurred around her after Melog put her down, voices of her vision merging with the present. She was vaguely aware of Melog guarding her body with theirs, of Catra unleashing on the beast.

She tried to yell, to tell Catra not to attack. She heard Bow and Glimmer’s shouts, felt the ground beneath her shake as the six-legged beast fell back.

With every second that passed, more of her energy was draining. The strength and light that she felt as She-Ra seemed a lifetime ago. She focused what little willpower she had left on summoning the sword, to no avail.

She fell back on the ground but fought to keep conscious. Through gritted teeth, through the throbbing in her head, through the cries and roars of her friends.

She held on just long enough to hear Catra shout her name and grab her. Catra was kneeling over her, frantically searching for injuries. Adora willed her eyes open to look into Catra’s, silently telling her that she was okay.

She felt herself slip into unconsciousness. She had one last thought before darkness completely embraced her.

_Should have stayed in the light._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof Adora sure is having the time of her life. Next time we'll go back to Catra's perspective and see how she's dealing with all this.
> 
> I know the chapters aren't too long (though still around 2,500 words each) but hopefully the weekly schedule is working for you guys. I think I can keep up with it anyway. I'll try to fasten the pace a bit but let me know what you think.


	5. I Talk to the Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra struggles after what happened in Alwyn.

Catra was a volcano of nerves threatening to erupt.

The beast, whatever it was, was chased away by the combined efforts of Glimmer, Bow, and Catra. The Alwynians were terrified but Glimmer reassured them that the princesses would take of the problem.

If she was being honest, Catra didn’t much care about that. Part of her knew she should have, but she was finding it hard to focus on anything but the fact that Adora suddenly collapsed and stopped being She-Ra in the middle of calming the damn beast.

They were back in Bright Moon now. The physicians took one look at Adora and determined that everything seemed normal, she just needed rest. Catra concluded that Rebellion doctors weren’t any better than Horde ones. Then again, it really was the same difference these days.

It had been a full day since Alwyn. Catra spent the night next to Adora but Bow and Glimmer forced her out of the hospital wing in the morning.

“What if she wakes up? You can’t make me leave!” she yelled at Glimmer. Before she knew it, they teleported into the other end of the castle, where Adora and Catra’s room was. She struggled to catch her breath as Glimmer let her go. Oh, how she loathed Sparkles and her damn powers.

“Actually, I can,” Glimmer said. “I’m the queen, remember? And I order you to rest while we make sure that Adora’s okay.”

Catra glared at Glimmer. She was exhausted, physically and mentally, but worrying about Adora kept her going.

“I can rest in the hospital room, too, you know.” she crossed her arms and she huffed.

“Right, just like you did last night. Don’t even bother trying to deny it.”

Catra did not have the energy to battle this out with Glimmer. Deep down, she knew there was nothing to be done until Adora woke up. She hated feeling this helpless but she also realized how sappy she was being.

“Fine,” she finally puffed. “But when I wake up I’m going back to that room.”

“I wouldn’t dream of stopping you,” Glimmer smirked. “After you get your rest.”

Catra made her way to bed but Adora’s absence hit her like a punch in the gut. She looked at a bed and found herself unable to move any closer. The memory of her first night in the Fright Zone without Adora washed over her. Catra spent so many years falling asleep next to her only to lose that and eventually, finally, to get it back. And now Adora was gone once again.

She could feel herself spiraling. _She’ll wake up soon_ , Catra told herself. She felt so stupid overreacting like this. Glimmer must think—

Glimmer.

Catra realized that the princess - no, the queen - was still in the room. She was looking at Catra, not quite staring. Eyeing her, waiting.

“What?” Catra snapped at her.

Glimmer remained calm. “I’m gonna stay with you.”

“Careful now, Arrow Boy’s gonna be jealous," Catra sneered.

Glimmer rolled her eyes. It never took the two of them long to get a rise out of each other. And yet, as Glimmer approached her, Catra’s walls didn’t go up. Glimmer sat down on the sofa near the bed.

“I know you haven’t been sleeping well, ever since Prime’s ship. And I know I’m no Adora but maybe having someone here will help you relax.”

Catra narrowed her eyes. “I don’t need a babysitter.”

“Well good, because I’m not one,” Glimmer retorted and she crossed her arms as she leaned back. “I’m your _friend_ and I want to make sure you’re okay.”

Catra wanted to roll her eyes but the way Glimmer said friend tightened her chest and she found herself without a comeback.

“Fine,” she got on the bed and made a show of turning her back to Glimmer.

The minutes passed and Catra almost forgot about Glimmer’s presence yet again as she let her thoughts wander.

“She is going to be okay, you know,” Glimmer broke the silence. “What happened yesterday... I’m sure it was just stress. Adora’s going to be okay.”

Catra didn’t turn back to face her. She stared ahead, her heart sinking at the sight of the empty space where Adora was supposed to be.

“I know,” Catra whispered.

_I just wish there was something I could do._

_I love her._

_Why can’t we just get some peace?_

The words threatened to burst out but her jaw clenched and her voice never came out. There was no need to say all those things to Glimmer. Somehow, Catra knew that they settled into this dynamic where she didn’t need to.

* * *

_Catra was back in the Fright Zone. She was 11 years-old and they just finished an exam with Adora and their squad._

_She never much liked exams where they had to sit down and write about whatever. They were soldiers, how could a pen and paper tell their ability to fight? But this one, in particular, was about tracking and Catra was good at that. She felt at ease about the exam, even proud when the results came in and she was best in her squad._

_Kyle, Rogelio, Lonnie, and Adora all congratulated her. They had their moments of genuine friendship, the five of them._

_But Catra’s moments of happiness never lasted long._

_“Catra!” came Shadow Weaver’s commanding voice from the dark end of the barracks. The smile froze on the cadet’s faces and they all saluted Hordak’s second in command. “I need to speak with you. Now.”  
_

_The dream shifted. They were walking down seemingly endless corridors and Shadow Weaver’s figure towered over Catra, blocking what little light was coming from above._

_“I told you, the Horde doesn’t tolerate cheaters. You’ve always lacked discipline but I won’t let you pretend to be the best and overshadow your fellow cadets who actually worked hard to earn their scores.”  
_

_Catra felt as her timid annoyance rose into anger._

_“What?” she shrieked. “No, I didn’t cheat, I swear! I earned being top of the class!”  
_

_Shadow Weaver was having none of it._

_“Don’t talk back to me!” Shadow Weaver’s patience was particularly thin that day. Magic swirled around her fingers as she lifted her hand and encased Catra in a spell. She couldn’t move, couldn’t talk. All she could do was listen as Shadow Weaver insulted her.  
_

_“If you insist on being a waste of the Horde’s precious resources you could at least have the decency and let the other cadets succeed.”  
_

_Tears were forming in Catra’s eyes but she couldn’t wipe them away. She kept glaring at Shadow Weaver’s mask._

_She was suddenly let go and collapsed on the floor. Catra panted as the tears began flowing freely. Typically, whenever Shadow Weaver threatened or shouted at her, fear quickly overtook anger. This time around, though, she could feel as the two mixed together and pure fury began to dominate._

_“I didn’t cheat! I told you, why can’t you just believe me?!” she screamed at Shadow Weaver as she scrambled to her feet. Her claws extended and, in that moment, she felt ready to strike.  
_

_“I’ve had enough of you,” Shadow Weaver raised her hand once again and dark magic formed a glowing orb in her palm.  
_

_Before she could unleash her power on Catra, Adora turned appeared at the end of the corridor and yelled Shadow Weaver’s name. Both their heads snapped at her._

_“What?! Adora, this is exactly why Catra needs discipline, she’s a bad influence on you,” Catra could tell that Shadow Weaver wanted to ramble on but Adora interrupted her. She looked terrified to do so and refused to look anywhere but directly at Shadow Weaver the whole time.  
_

_“‘I-I just wanted to ask for permission t-to train. I have a timed run through the obstacle course tomorrow and I want to practice.”  
_

_Shadow Weaver clenched her fist and slowly lowered her hand. One could never really tell behind that hideous mask but she seemed to be deliberating._

_“Fine. Let’s go, Adora,” she turned to walk with Adora but turned back to Catra one last time. “This isn’t over yet.”  
_

_Catra glared at them as they walked, her fury as strong as ever. Before they disappeared into the corner, Adora glanced back at Catra and gave her a reassuring smile._

_The corridor washed away into darkness._

* * *

Catra took a moment to adjust. She woke up with a sense of bitterness that she hadn’t felt in a long while. As she remembered her dream, her memory, she let out a heavy sigh.

She was gazing off into the distance, into the spot where Adora was supposed to be when the sound of Glimmer’s teleportation snapped her out of her thoughts.

“Oh, good, you’re awake!” Glimmer exclaimed when she saw Catra turn to face her. “I just checked with Bow and Adora’s up.”

Catra’s ears perked up and she jumped out of bed. Her heart sped up and threatened to beat right out of her chest.

She was about to dart out of the door when Glimmer offered her hand. Catra winced at the thought of teleporting to the hospital wing but her need to see Adora outweighed her dread. She took Glimmer’s hand.

They arrived right outside Adora’s temporary room. Catra entered without knocking and relief washed over her when she saw Bow and Adora sitting on the bed.

“Catra, Glimmer, hey!” she called out to them. Catra all but ran and forgot about herself, about the outside world as she pulled Adora into a tight hug. It hadn’t even been two days but after all they’d been through, even that was too much. Adora’s long hair was cascading on her shoulders. Catra took a deep sniff, calming herself with the familiar scent.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m okay,” Adora reassured her but she was holding Catra just as tightly.

It took Glimmer clearing her throat for them to break the hug. Catra sat down next to Adora and intertwined their fingers.

“Adora was just asking about what happened in Alwyn,” Bow said.

“Are you sure that the princesses can take care of the creature?” Adora asked, her smile quickly turning into a frown. “I should go back, She-Ra could calm it down.”

“Woah there, you’ve just been out for more than a day,” Catra said, putting her hand on Adora’s shoulder. “Alwyn’s going to be just fine.”

Adora’s face was still full of concern but she nodded.

“Speaking of Alwyn,” Glimmer began. “Adora, what happened back there? We’ve been so worried about you!”

Adora glanced down. “It’s... it’s nothing. I got distracted as I was trying to heal the creature. I lost She-Ra for a moment but it won’t happen again.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Bow asked, trying to catch Adora’s eyes. “Maybe you need to take some more time. It’s been an intense couple of days.”

“No, it’s fine,” Adora stood up and made her way towards the jacket that was waiting for her on the nearby drawer. “What I need is to get back into action. Are you guys sure we shouldn’t check on Alwyn? What about the Fright Zone, does Scorpia need help rebuilding the kingdom?”

“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about the Fright Zone,” Glimmer said. “My dad went there yesterday to examine the Black Garnet and he thinks there’s a good chance we can use it to get your memories back. We haven’t figured out the specifics yet but he’s making progress.”

Adora flinched at Glimmer’s mention of her missing memories. Catra could tell that she was trying to downplay her reaction but Adora always had been bad at hiding how she really felt.

“Adora?” Catra called out to her, making her way over.

She looked at Catra and she seemed so vulnerable, so wounded. But before Catra could take her hand again, ask her what was wrong, Adora turned to the drawer to grab her hair tie.

“That’s okay,” she was facing away from them, pulling her hair into that tight ponytail that Catra had come to associate with only Adora. “We have other stuff to do, anyway.”

Bow and Glimmer shared a quick look. “Well, the planning for our space trip is still underway and, all things considered, Etheria is in pretty good shape. We have time, now more than ever.”

Adora’s shoulders tensed She took a deep breath before turning back to face the group. Catra noticed how her expression changed but couldn’t put a finger on it.

“Look,” she began, taking turns looking at all three of them. “I appreciate all the support but I really think we should let this whole thing go. It’s all in the past, there's no use in trying to dig it up again.”

Glimmer and Bow took turns in saying something. What those words were, Catra did not know. She stopped listening after what Adora said, trying to comprehend what would lead to her dismissal.

“Wait, what?” Catra asked, and she knew she interrupted someone. “What does that even mean?”

Adora looked at her.

“Catra,” her tone was dangerously close to being condescending. Or at least, what Catra had always assumed to be condescending. “I just want to forget about it. Move on.”

“But that’s the problem!” Catra’s voice was louder than she intended it to be. “You've already forgotten. Shadow Weaver _made_ you forget and that’s why you need to remember.”

It was Adora’s turn to search Catra’s face for answers. “Why?” her voice was quiet, a stark contrast to Catra’s outburst. “Why would I need to?”

“Because... Because it wasn’t your choice to forget, Adora, in case you need me to remind you. Shadow Weaver took that from you! Why would you let her win?”

“Let her win?” Adora shook her head incredulously. “ _This_ is my choice now, Catra. What’s so wrong with that?”

A small voice in her head told Catra to breathe, to stop and think for a second. It was too quiet to listen to.

“That you always do this! You pretend everything’s fine because you think it’s only hurting you, but it’s not fine!”

Adora's voice was now rising, too. “I don’t pretend anything! I didn’t even know about my missing memories until...”

Adora stopped herself but Catra filled in the blanks.

“Until I told you. So what, now you wish I didn’t? That you could live in blissful ignorance?”

“I didn’t say that! It’s just," Adora started pacing up and down. "You don’t know what it’s like, okay? I do, and I want to leave it be.”

“Guys, maybe we should get back to this later,” Bow interjected. He and Glimmer were still in the room. Catra spared them a glance: they both looked thoroughly uncomfortable with the situation that was unfolding.

Catra thought about that. She never had the privilege of changing the conversation, of just moving on from whatever made her uncomfortable. Her whole life seemed to be about throwing her in uncomfortable scenarios and now that she was finally living her best life, the past still haunted her. It haunted Adora, but she was so afraid of it that she would rather pretend it didn’t exist. Catra knew in her heart that wasn’t the way. She challenged Adora out of concern for her but as their argument escalated, Catra found herself overtaken by bitterness.

“You’re right,” Adora said to Bow and she turned to Catra to take her hands in hers. “Let’s leave it for now, okay?”

“I don’t know what it’s like?” Catra asked. “Right, I really have no idea what it’s like to be under Shadow Weaver’s control, Adora. To be manipulated by her. To be unable to escape her.”

“Catra,” Adora pleaded, squeezing Catra’s hands. Catra ripped them away from Adora and took a step back.

“That’s just another burden you have bear by yourself, isn’t it? How could the rest of us possibly comprehend what it’s like?”

“Catra!” Adora’s voice was firm now. “You know that’s not what I meant. Don’t do this. I just meant... I feel powerless here, okay?”

Catra would later come to regret the scoff she let out. “Yeah, it’s a shame no one here knows what _that_ feels like.”

Catra’s saw the heartbreak in Adora’s eyes, heard her shout her name, could feel Bow and Glimmer trying to stop her from leaving.

She needed space. She knew that if she stayed any longer she might say something that she would truly regret. So, as much as it pained her to run from Adora - _please, just this once, stay_ \- she left the room and didn't look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so we're back with Catra's PoV! This chapter took a lot of going back and forth with all three parts but I hope you're enjoying the final product. All I can say for the next one is that we'll see both Catra and Adora's perspective and take new steps towards healing. It's quite the process, though.
> 
> I updated the warnings and tags to better reflect this chapter and upcoming ones. Take care, everyone.


	6. Hopelessness Has Done Nothing For Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Best Friend Squad splits into two as two duos take a day trip to two different kingdoms.

Catra was wallowing in her own thoughts.

She was sitting on the balcony of one of Bright Moon’s many towers. She hadn’t gone back to her own room - _their_ room - the previous night. Not that she slept anyway. Her nap earlier that day was more than enough for her, thank you very much. It’s not like she needed to be dreaming to relive awful memories.

Catra wanted to find Adora. She wanted to run into her arms again, to forget whatever argument they had. She understood Adora’s desire to let go of the past more with every passing second. But then she closed her eyes and the memories she was plagued with told her that it was never going to be that easy.

_Adora’s bruises._

_Shadow Weaver’s mask as it hit the ground at the Heart._

Catra clenched her fist. Could it be that Adora really did feel ready to leave it all behind? That she didn’t want her memories back? Catra gazed off in the direction of the Whispering Woods, wondering if she really was alone in her brokenness.

“Catra, hey!” Bow’s yell came as a surprise and Catra almost fell off the balcony. She was so deep in her thoughts that she hadn’t even noticed him come up behind her.

She yelped as she balanced herself. “Argh, what?! You want to kill me?”

Bow raised an amused eyebrow.

“Someone’s skittish today.”

Catra growled. “Whatever. What do you want?”

Bow looked deflated at her cold demeanour. “I just wanted to check in on you.”

“Well, check and go then.”

“I see you’re in good spirits. You’re gonna need a bit more positivity on our mission today.”

It was Catra’s turn to raise an eyebrow.

“Mission? What mission?” she asked, unable to keep the surprise from her voice.

“We’re needed in Salineas. Helping with the rehousing of citizens, distributing food and resources, that sort of stuff. It’s a joint effort to rebuild the kingdom,” Bow beamed, clearly excited about the idea.

Catra was decidedly the opposite of excited. There was no way she was going anywhere with Adora right now, and Salineas? The water princess would probably drown her on sight. No way.

“Yeah, pass. Doesn’t sound like you need me there.”

“Actually, you’re exactly the person for the job. What better way to show you’re sorry than to help rebuild Salineas?”

Guilt was eating away at Catra. Bow was right, of course, she was needed there. If she skipped out on helping the kingdom she helped conquer and ruin, there was no way Mermista would ever forgive her. She didn’t particularly care about one princess’s opinion but she cared about them as a whole. And if this really was her life now, she needed to show them that she was willing to put the effort in. Even if she had no desire to look Mermista in the eye, perhaps ever again.

“Fine,” she finally said and Bow’s eyes lit up. “But I do not want to go with Adora, okay? I can’t, not right now.”

“Okay," Bow nodded. He was disappointed by what Catra had said but his smile came back as quickly as it left. "The two of us it is then! We haven’t had the chance to bond yet, anyway, it’ll be great!”

Watching his enthusiasm made Catra regret her decision immediately.

“Actually, I changed my mind, I’ll take Sparkles.”

“Oh no, you can’t take this back. Catra and Bow, best friends on a mission!”

Catra reacted too late to escape Bow’s crushing hug.

* * *

Adora was wandering the halls of Bright Moon.

Adora knew Catra was still somewhere in the kingdom. Glimmer had told her so, but Catra hadn’t come back to their room the previous night. It was only after Melog showed up in the middle of the night and snuggled their head into Adora's neck that she could stop shaking and go to sleep.

She’d been searching for Catra all day but she knew it was futile. Maybe if they were in the Fright Zone Adora could figure out where she was hiding. But Catra was new to Bright Moon; not enough time for them to have found their secret spots yet, and not enough time for Adora to know where Catra would escape to.

Adora thought that maybe it was for the best. Catra needed time and Adora would give it to her. Even if the way they left things was eating at her, overtaking her every thought. Still, it was probably better than focusing on her weakened connection to She-Ra. That, she could not face at that moment.

Melog was still by her side, walking everywhere with her. Their soft purring gave Adora hope. It told her that Catra was coming back to her, eventually. That she wanted to come back.

Adora and Melog were strolling by Angella’s mural when Glimmer caught up to them.

“Oh, Adora, there you are!” Glimmer exclaimed.

“Hey,” Adora greeted. “What’s up?”

“I was just wondering how you are.”

Adora shrugged her shoulders and looked down.

“Catra’s just sulking, don’t mind her,” Glimmer encouraged. Melog let out a sound akin to a yawn and wandered off, leaving the two of them alone.

“Yeah,” Adora sighed. “I just wish I knew what set her off.”

“She just wants the best for you.”

“But why can’t she trust that I know what’s best?”

“Do you?” Glimmer said and Adora raised an eyebrow. “Don’t get me wrong, we all trust you. But what is this sudden change of heart about your memories?”

Adora thought back to Alwyn. And there it was, all her fears about She-Ra resurfacing. She couldn’t lose her, not again.

“I tried figuring it out,” she gulped. “I tried looking for answers, but I don’t think I’m meant to.”

Confusion clouded Glimmer’s face. “What do you mean?”

Adora let out a heavy sigh. She didn't feel any lighter afterwards.

“It’s hard to explain. It’s like, I’ve always known there was something I was not seeing, you know?” Glimmer along nodded slowly, trying to understand. "Something I wasn’t remembering. And now I’m actively thinking about it all the time and it put She-Ra in danger. It put everyone else in danger!”

It felt cathartic, in a way, to say all of that out loud. Just a tiny bit lighter. After a moment, Adora softly added:

“I can’t have that.”

“But Adora,” Glimmer said. “Don’t you think that Catra’s right? Maybe turning your back on it won’t solve the problem.”

Adora knew it was a strange situation for Glimmer to side with Catra.

“Catra thinks this is all about Shadow Weaver. She can’t let go,” Adora shook her head. “But why does that mean that I have to hold on, too?”

“I’m not saying she’s a 100% right. But maybe if you don’t face it, it’s just gonna keep on following you.”

Glimmer looked up at Angella’s mural for the first time since she had arrived.

“You know, it took me a while. To really process that she’s... that she’s gone.”

Adora looked at her friend, really looked at her. The quiet but profound sadness in Glimmer’s voice made her want to hug her, hold her. She didn’t move, giving Glimmer a moment.

“Let’s face it,” Glimmer continued. “I didn’t exactly make the best decisions while I was grieving.”

Glimmer’s sour chuckle caused Adora to wince.

“Glimmer, you just did what you thought was best.”

“Yeah. But I still needed to face my fears,” she sighed. “For me, it helped to discuss it all with my dad.”

Adora remembered the first time Glimmer and Micah were in Bright Moon together. The first time in over a decade. After all the battles, after Prime, they finally had the chance to be a family once again. They spent much time at the mural, their sobs echoing through the halls of the castle. As much as it pained Adora to watch her friend be in such pain, Bow reassured her that it was helping Glimmer move on.

“You haven’t really talked about Shadow Weaver,” Glimmer said after a moment, jerking Adora away from her thoughts. What a rude awakening it was to think about Angella, only for the image of Shadow Weaver to enter her mind.

“It’s not the same,” Adora snapped. She was being too defensive, she knew it, but she couldn’t believe Glimmer of all people would say something like that. “Angella was your mother. She was a good person!”

“Oh, trust me, I know it’s not the same,” Glimmer said. But Shadow Weaver still raised you. And yeah, she was a real piece of shit. Doesn’t mean you can’t mourn her.”

Adora took another look at Angella’s mural. Images of Angella flying away from her in a different reality were overshadowed by memories she had of the Heart. Shadow Weaver took her mask off and smiled at her and Catra. That awful smile haunted Adora more than all the cruel things Shadow Weaver had done.

“I don’t want to,” Adora blurted out. “I don’t want to mourn her.”

“Oh, Adora. I don’t think you get to choose. And maybe that’s what Catra has a problem with.”

No choice, huh. Adora was growing tired of that.

“If anyone’s glad she’s gone, it’s Catra. And it’s not like getting my memories back would get us closure with Shadow Weaver. It would just open even more wounds.” At this point, Adora didn’t know who she was trying to convince.

Glimmer hummed. “We support you, Adora, no matter what you decide. You know that, right?”

Adora nodded and, at last, made a move to hug Glimmer. Though the words felt inadequate, she thanked her.

‘Anyway,” Glimmer broke the hug and wiped the tears that were forming in her eyes. “What do you say we take a day trip to Mystacor? Just the two of us, no girlfriends or boyfriends. I’d say we’ve earned it.”

“Is everything alright with you and Bow?” Adora asked.

“What? Oh, yeah, that’s not why I said it. But I know for a fact that Bow has different plans in mind for today so we might as well make our own.”

Adora was tempted to ask about what Bow was up to but she figured she’d find out sooner or later anyway. And the idea of spending the day with just Glimmer did sound nice. It had been so long since they just hung out, and when they did... well, that was before the Heart and Prime and everything. They needed this. Adora felt like she could actually use some relaxation, unlike the first time she was in Mystacor when she had no idea how to do that.

“Alright,” she said. “Mystacor it is.”

* * *

By the time they got on Sea Hawk’s boat and were on their way to Salineas, Catra had already changed her mind on four separate occasions.

“I can’t believe I agreed to this. There isn’t a single thing I like about this mission.”

“Oh, come on,” Bow cheered. “You’ll feel better once we’ve helped out in Salineas. And isn’t it fun to be at sea?”

Catra didn’t know what aspect of her constant nausea made Bow think this was fun.

“After I get off this boat I’ll never leave land ever again,” she grumbled.

“What do you have against water, anyway?” Bow asked, glancing back at Catra from the helm. ”Water’s life itself. It’s so peaceful and nice.”

Catra was feeling a different kind of nausea. She had to control her breathing as images flashed in her mind.

_The green hue of Prime’s ship. She was drowning and all she could hear was the chanting of the clones._

_The red light coming from Shadow Weaver’s power, the brute force of it forcing her underwater._

She shook her head. And they say water is transparent.

“Catra?” Bow’s voice brought her back to the ship. The bright blue sky. Bow’s concerned brown eyes looking at her. The yellow of the deck.

She was on a ship and it was the last place she wanted to be but it was still better than drowning in her own memories.

“Common sense is what I have against water,” she said after she collected herself. “Also, I don’t know if you noticed, but I am a cat.”

Bow’s smile reappeared at her statement. “Oh, I know, an adorable one at that.”

Blood rushed to Catra’s cheeks. “For the last time, I am not adorable! Do I have to throw you off another cliff to prove that?”

“Okay, yeesh,” Bow turned back to the helm. “Your walls are still high as ever, huh.”

Catra narrowed her eyes at him.

“This is how I am, you’re well aware of that.”

“I guess I was just hoping you’d let me see another side of you. You know, where you stop pretending to be this unreachable grump.”

Bow looked so defeated for a second that Catra couldn’t help but feel for him.

“Look, I’m sorry, okay? I know you’re big on the friendship stuff but it just doesn’t come as easy to me,” she admitted.

Bow smiled again. “I know. It does take effort. Even for me. It’s something I work at constantly. And if you put the work in, I promise you’ll also see that it’s worth it.”

Catra sat with that. Promise. Well, at this point, it was worth a shot.

“What do you think, could we maybe talk about what happened yesterday?”

There it was. Probably the only reason they were on this stupid mission in the first place.

“Let me guess, you want me to apologize to Adora so we can all get along again,” she said.

“No,” Bow’s response was a little too quick. “I mean, yes, I do want us to get along. But I know you and Adora are going to have to work through this at your own pace.”

Catra hummed. She found it was surprisingly easy to talk to Bow. They hadn’t had much one on one time before this but it felt... kind of nice. She was starting to see why he had so many close friends. Despite all that, she couldn’t shake the feeling of wanting to run from the conversation. She hated this instinct of hers but there it was anyway.

“Okay, that’s discussed then,” she said, hoping to put it behind them.

“I wanted to talk more about your perspective, though,” Bow’s tone remained cheerful but there was a tentative curiosity to his voice. He was dangerously close to losing what little respect he had earned in Catra’s eyes with his constant questioning.

Catra crossed her arms across her chest. “What is there to say?”

“You tell me. Where did all that stuff about letting Shadow Weaver win come from?”

A flash of red appeared before her eyes. Catra willed it away before she spoke.

“It’s... it’s complicated.”

Bow’s patience was as unrelenting as it was annoying.

“I’m listening.”

“It’s not something I can just explain, okay?” Catra was starting to feel trapped: trapped by the sea, trapped by Bow’s inquiries.

“I could try to understand, if you help me,” Bow’s voice was so sincere. It tempted Catra into letting go of this tension she was feeling all over her body.

Just as Catra considered this, they reached the Sea Gate. They had arrived at Salineas.

“We’re gonna come back to this, okay?” Bow said as he docked the boat.

Catra felt an enormous lump in her throat the moment she realized they had arrived. She suddenly felt incredibly foolish for feeling like she was trapped at sea; that was nothing compared to laying eyes on the Sea Gate. It was one thing to dread arriving at the site of her former victory. It was another to really see what had become of one of her greatest regrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo this chapter kind of got away from me and became something much bigger - and longer. The next one is a direct continuation of everything that's going on here, just split into two so all chapters can roughly be the same length. We'll see if I still care about consistency by the end (probably not). Expect that chapter very soon.
> 
> I hope you like where the story is going. This chapter changed quite a bit from the initial concept but I'm glad it did. Catra and Bow's bonding time was one of the very first things I wanted to include in this story and I'm happy with how that's turning out. But yeah, thanks for the support and see you in Salineas and Mystacor in a bit!


	7. I Want This Thing to Live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra and Bow arrive at Salineas and Adora and Glimmer return to Mystacor.

Last time Catra saw it, Salineas was under Horde occupation. They had just conquered it with Hordak and half the kingdom was in ruins. It was already looking so much better than it did back then: the Sea Gate itself was under construction and the glimpse she had of the buildings behind showed that so much had been rebuilt already. The canals were busy with people from all over Etheria, all helping to restore the kingdom to its former glory.

So this is how it felt to rebuild. Rebuild what she had destroyed.

Mermista’s voice hit her ears as she greeted Bow and suddenly, the idea of jumping into the sea seemed much more appealing to Catra.

“Hey, Bow, you made it. So how come Glimmer and Adora are off somewhere else, they still owe me fr— _Oh._ ”

Catra turned just in time to see Mermista’s expression harden when she realized who Bow’s companion was.

“Um, h-hey,” Catra stammered. She was scratching her own arm, not knowing what to do with her body. Mermista glared at her and Catra really wished Melog were there so she could turn invisible and disappear.

“Hey, Mermista,” Bow’s voice cracked and Catra could tell he was thoroughly uncomfortable with the tension of the situation. He wasn’t the only one. “I brought Catra to help out, I hope that’s okay.”

“Great,” Mermista managed to squeeze so much venom into that one little word that Catra would have found it impressive, if only it wasn’t directed at her. “I’d give you a tour but I think you already know the place.”

“Oookay, cool,” Bow was even worse than Adora at dealing with these kinds of things. “Should we get going then? Come on, Catra.”

“Look, Mermista,” Catra began, mustering all the strength she could find. “I’m... I’m really sorry. About everything, you know...”

“About conquering my kingdom? About almost running Salineas into the ground? About attacking my people? You mean that ‘everything’?” Mermista didn’t shout. Catra would have preferred if she did. Instead, Mermista’s tone was unsettlingly nonchalant, each word hitting Catra like a punch with its casualty.

Catra gulped. Bow grabbed her hand and led her past the gate.

“Talk to you later! We’ve really gotta go now, bye!” Bow shouted as they got farther away from Mermista.

They made their way into what Catra assumed was the center. Catra followed Bow and copied everything he was doing, her movements empty and automatic. She looked over Salineas, saw how worn the people were, how many buildings were still in ruins. The mark the Horde had left on them. The streets were flowing with Salineans and volunteers, all doing their best for the kingdom.

“Hey, are you doing okay?” Bow asked. Catra looked at him and found herself at a loss for words.

Back in the Horde, it all seemed simple. Kingdoms were places on a map, troops were figures on a board, and princesses were a nuisance. This was the first time Catra truly saw the aftermath of a battle, of an occupation. Now that the Horde was no more, that Prime was gone, it was time to face the consequences. The weight of all her actions as a Force Captain threatened to crush Catra as the realization dawned on her.

She was just as bad Prime, as Shadow Weaver, as all the others. This is where her actions led.

Bow placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. She flinched but didn’t move from it.

“I did this,” It was a simple statement.

“You played a part, yeah,” hearing Bow’s honesty hurt almost as much as Mermista’s death glare. “But it wasn’t _just_ you. And now you get to play a part in a new beginning.”

“What if that’s not enough?” her voice was so small but it was all she could manage.

She couldn’t do this. She didn’t feel like she could do this. To be in Salineas, to help the people who only needed it in the first place because of her... Catra was finding it hard to focus on Bow’s words.

“It’s something. Catra, if you do what you can and you truly are sorry, that has to be enough."

Catra felt a tugging at her shirt before she had time to process what Bow had said. 

A small sea elf, a girl no older than 10 or so approached them.

“Excuse me, can you help? My mom asked me to pick up supplies, is this where you get them?”

Her purple eyes were looking curiously at Catra. She gaped at the girl. She never had something like this happen to her in the Horde. Younger cadets feared the older ones and rarely ever interacted. The only time Catra could remember encountering a girl that age was Frosta, and that ended with a very cold punch in the face for her. This was alien territory for her. Except she had been to space before and somehow, that seemed less terrifying than this.

She looked at Bow for help. They might not have been that close but he was her anchor to something familiar in that moment. Someone who got on so well with everyone and made it seem so effortless that Catra had no doubt he’d know what to do.

He was smiling brightly at the girl. “Yes, it is! Catra will help you, that’s what we’re here for.”

Catra’s eyes widened at Bow’s statement. “Wait, no, I can’t, I don’t—”

“We’ve been over this on the way over,” Bow gave her a reassuring smile. “Go on, you’ll do great. You have to start somewhere, right?”

Catra stared at him. She felt the girl tug at her again. When she looked back, the sea elf regarded her with a curious look. It was one of trust, of expectation. Catra felt sweat forming on her forehead.

“Okay,” she said, more to herself than anyone else. “Okay. Come with me, we’ll get everything your mom needs.”

The girl grabbed her hand. Catra didn’t flinch away.

Bow had been right. This was a start and it had to count for something.

* * *

Adora had her concerns about entering Mystacor. The first time she went there, she almost caused its destruction. The last time, she accepted that saving Etheria might come at the cost of her life.

It’s not that Mystacor wasn’t a wonderful place. The sorcerers took the raw magic of Etheria and transformed it into something majestic, something that even the First Ones couldn’t fathom. And then there was Castaspella, of course.

After the misunderstanding during Adora’s first visit, Castaspella came to view her as another niece. Adora found it hard to truly connect to a parental figure but Casta was so relentlessly supportive that it was hard not to be comfortable around her. Even when Glimmer grew embarrassed of her aunt’s many tales, Adora grinned her way through their conversations.

“Glimmer, Adora! My girls, how happy I am to see you!” as expected, Casta was overjoyed that they decided to visit. She enveloped them both in a hug and, not for the first time, Adora thought of how deceptively strong Casta was.

“Okay, that’s enough, Auntie,” Glimmer slipped out of her grasp but she smiled at her aunt. “We were just wondering if we could spend the day at the hot springs.”

“Yes, of course, darling,” Casta said warmly. “Though I do wish you came to visit for other reasons, you know. And it’s always just me who has to go to Bright Moon.”

Glimmer sighed. She didn’t get into a debate about visitations and Adora thought that was for the best.

“But it is good to have both you and your father here,” Casta continued. “It’s been so long since that happened, oh my.”

Tears of joy began forming in Casta’s eyes but something else caught Adora’s attention.

“King Micah’s here?” she asked.

“Why yes, he arrived yesterday. I expect you two are also staying for dinner? Oh, how wonderful, all of us are going to dine together in the Great Hall!”

Glimmer calmed Casta’s excitement but Adora’s mind was somewhere else. Hearing that Micah was in Mystacor took her back to her previous conversation with Glimmer.

“Can we please discuss dinner after the beach? Come on, Adora, I need that rest.”

“Actually, you go ahead,” Adora said. “I’m going to catch up. I want to talk to Micah.”

Glimmer raised an eyebrow. “My dad? But, he’s not going anywhere. Adora, do I have to force you to relax again?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll catch up and we’re going to be suuuper relaxed. I just really need to talk to him.”

Glimmer gave in with a pout. “Fine. But you better not leave me hanging, this is our girls’ day out!”

Casta told her that Micah was in the Lunarium and Adora was on her way. It’s not like Glimmer was wrong; this conversation really could have waited. Thing was, Adora found it hard to relax in the first place and she knew for sure she couldn’t just let her mind be empty if she hadn’t spoken with Micah first.

She found him on her way to the Lunarium. She’d been to this corridor before, the Hall of Sorcerers. Micah was standing in front of the half-destroyed statue of Shadow Weaver. Light Spinner. Her.

Adora slowed in her steps as she approached Micah. She passed his very own statue on her way.

Micah glanced at her from the corner of his eye. “Ah, Adora. Casta did tell me you and Glimmer were coming.”

He turned to face her but his bright smile hid a sense of melancholy.

“King Micah,” Adora began but she was interrupted by his laughter.

“I don’t think you need to call me that, Adora. Not just because you saved my life, or my daughter’s. Or the world!” he let out another gentle chuckle. “It’s not a title that belongs to me anymore.”

They had talked about this in the aftermath of Prime’s defeat. Glimmer insisted that Micah would rule beside her but he was content on retiring the title. He said he’d help her for as long as he lived but with Angella gone, it didn’t feel right to call himself king anymore.

“Micah,” Adora corrected. She looked at the statue he had been staring at. The woman she had never known. “Was she any different as Light Spinner?”

She didn’t mean to say the words out loud but now that she had, she was curious about the answer.

Micah’s expression darkened. “From what I saw of Shadow Weaver? Not really. She’d always been the same, no matter what name or appearance she took on.”

There was venom in Micah’s words. Adora had only heard him speak like this when he was under Horde Prime’s control.

He must have realized his intensity because he looked back at Adora with softened features. “Forgive me, I passed here and I got... well, I suppose ‘nostalgic’ is one word for it.”

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I get it.”

Micah nodded. “So, why aren’t you at the beach with Glimmer? I suspect there’s a reason why you’re here without her.”

“I was looking for you. I wanted to talk to you about the Black Garnet. About, you know,” Adora said. “All that.”

“Yes, I went to the Fright Zone. I believe there is a way to extract the memories,” he said and Adora felt the weight of the situation threatening to crush her again. _No_ , she told herself. She needed to at least explore her options. She needed to know how this would play out before she made a decision. Running from it only pushed Catra away.

“But Adora, I’m not sure there’s a safe way to restore them directly to you,” Micah continued. The Black Garnet is a runestone and Shadow Weaver has been abusing its powers for decades. It seems too unstable to try and reverse it without knowing exactly what she did.”

“Oh, I see,” Adora furrowed her eyebrows. It was so tempting to accept this and use it as an excuse to not even try. Micah had given her a way out. But then she thought of what Catra had said and she felt like she owed it to her to still try. Owed it to herself to have an option. “So, what can we do?”

Micah thought for a moment. “I’m not sure. I’m going to go back in a few days, see if I can find a safe way. The best option would be some kind of buffer between the stone and your mind but again, I just wouldn’t want to risk it if we're not sure.”

Adora nodded along. She tried not to feel too guilty about the relief she felt. It’s not that she wanted for the decision to be taken from her. She couldn’t be upset at her lack of choices in other situations if she was willing to toss her agency away here. But she couldn’t deny how much _lighter_ it felt. To know that it wasn’t entirely her fault if she never got to face the memories. To know that she truly was not responsible.

“That’s okay, we’ll just have to wait and see,” she said, putting all these thoughts away for another time.

Micah hummed. He looked back up the statue. The previous edge of his expression was gone, Adora noted. Instead, he looked vulnerable. The melancholy was back.

“I can’t help but feel responsible for all that she’s done to you,” his words were soft, a confession. “To so many others. She even got to my own daughter.”

Adora was shocked at his words. “No, Micah, that’s... that’s not on you! Shadow Weaver made her own decisions. She ruined people simply because that’s what she wanted to do.”

Adora could tell that she was the one sounding bitter now. She thought back to how Shadow Weaver kept trying to manipulate her until the very end, even in the very place she was standing right now.

“Perhaps,” he pondered. Micah turned to face Adora with his full body and put his hands on her shoulders. His touch was firm but reassuring at the same time. Adora wondered if this was how it felt like to have a father and her heart skipped a beat at the thought of Glimmer having to live without him for so long. “I want you to know that it wasn’t your fault either, Adora. Whatever happened, whatever Shadow Weaver did, you didn’t deserve that.”

Tears formed in Adora’s eyes. She didn’t know how to react to this. Micah’s words reminded her of Mara in the Heart and she was overwhelmed with the unfamiliarity of someone like Micah saying words like these to her.

Micah didn’t expect her to say anything, though. He hugged her and Adora held onto him, allowing her tears to flow.

* * *

It had been a long day. The sea elf girl was the first among many that Catra ended up helping at Salineas. She found that it got easier with each person. They didn’t know who she was and that was for the best. They didn’t look at her with the same disdain that Mermista did. It was like they truly believed she just wanted to help. It made her believe she could be the person they expected her to be.

Not that Catra didn’t understand why Mermista insisted on throwing the same snarky comments at her as they were leaving. If anything, Catra thought she deserved much worse than a few dirty looks and hurtful words. But doing something for Salineas felt like the right way to go about making it up.

They were back on the boat, back on their way to Bright Moon now. She still hated being at sea but she was beginning to see what Bow found so peaceful about it. It reminded her of being in space, falling asleep next to Adora for the first time in ages.

“So, what’s the verdict? Feeling better now?” Bow asked as the distance between the boat and Salineas grew.

“Yeah, I guess. That was definitely not pleasant but somehow it ended up being... not horrible.”

Bow chuckled. “Okay. That’s a start.”Catra looked up at the darkening sky. Was this how it always felt? To be there for others, to do some good? It filled the emptiness in her heart she always knew she had but could never put a finger on. It felt warm, like waking up next to Adora in the morning.

She had barely thought of Adora while in Salineas, overwhelmed with everything she was feeling there. But now Catra had time to think about her earlier argument with Adora.

“Hey, Bow?” Catra said the words before she could even think them through. Bow hummed, urging her to continue. “Do you really think I could make up for it? For everything I’ve done?”

She hated how small she sounded. Despite what Perfuma had been telling Catra about vulnerability, she still had a gut reaction to opening up to people like this. But as much as Catra hated it at first, Bow had a way of putting people at ease. She really felt like he understood like he would give her answers.

“I really do,” Bow turned to face her. “Catra, you’ve been proving yourself ever since you saved Glimmer, we all see it.”

It didn’t feel like enough for Catra.

“Yeah, but what’s the point, you know. If places like Salineas will never be the same.” _If Adora and I will never be the same._

The water around them was calm, just windy enough to blow their sail. Bow left the helm, trusting the sea. He sat down next to Catra.

“Nothing stays the same. You can’t blame yourself for that, it literally happens all the time.”

“The destruction of Salineas wasn’t some grand cosmic thing though,” Catra’s words were more bitter than she intended.

Bow thought for a moment.

“No, it wasn’t. But you’ve helped today, and making that decision every day is what makes up for it.”

Catra looked at him, really looked at him for what felt like the first time. She thought about the first few times she ever saw Bow. For the longest time, he’d been the annoying Arrow Boy with the cracking voice who paraded around with She-Ra. Now, he seemed… wiser. Catra didn’t know why but she felt like she could trust whatever he said.

“What crimes have you committed to know so much about this?” she said half-seriously, easing the weight of the conversation.

Bow shrugged his shoulders. “Nothing. I just make the same decision every day. To be a good friend, to help others. I told you it takes effort.”

He looked as bubbly and as annoyingly optimistic as ever, but Catra could now see something else in him. There was a real weight behind his words.

A wordless moment passed. Catra was surprised by how comfortable she felt in that in that silence. That is, until Bow spoke again. “So, are you going to talk to Adora when we’re back?”

Catra rolled her eyes. “And just when I was starting to think you were kind of cool.”

“Oh, come on. I’m just asking, as a friend.”

“Yes. Probably,” Catra sighed. “If only I knew what to say.”

“Be honest about how you feel. Communication is key to a good relationship, you know.”

Catra wanted to snap back at him with a snarky comment about him and Glimmer but she had to admit that the two of them did make a solid couple. Even when they argued they looked so loving and sincere that it was impossible to find fault in them. Catra never knew whether to be impressed or annoyed. Most of the time, she was both.

“Sure, fine. Whatever,” she said.

“Maybe you could talk about why it always comes back to Shadow Weaver with you,” he was speaking with less confidence now. After their earlier talk, he rightly realized that this was a dangerous topic of conversation with Catra.

“Ugh, not this again.”

“I’m just saying, you could probably overcome a lot by just, you know, being honest. I know how you feel about Shadow Weaver must be complicated.”

Catra eyed Bow again. Over and over, she kept getting the feeling that he knew more than he let on.

“What, you have your own Shadow Weaver in life?” she scoffed. She wasn't being serious and yet, she was curious about the answer.

Bow had this way of making her feel bad about her snide behaviour almost instantly. His sincerity was as endearing as it was infuriating. “No, actually. I have two very loving dads so I can’t say I do.”

Catra was taken aback by this.

“I don’t get it,” she said honestly. “How come you just know what to say, even what the situation has nothing to do with you? With what you know.”

Bow chuckled at her and Catra raised an eyebrow. “Something funny?”

“No, sorry, it’s just... Catra, that’s empathy. It’s what friends do.”

“Oh.”

Bow had to get back to steering the ship and Catra didn’t feel like talking after that.

_Oh._

They arrived back at Bright Moon late that evening. Catra approached Adora’s room with a strange sense of tentative ease.

_Their_ room. Right.

She took a deep breath. As much as she’d been avoiding Adora, she couldn’t imagine going another moment without seeing her, without talking to her.

She slowly opened the door. She didn’t want to startle Adora.

“Hey, A—“ Catra stopped as soon as she saw her. Adora was fast asleep, with Melog cuddled up next to her. They looked so peaceful, so serene, that Catra thought it best not to disturb them.

She decided talking with Adora could wait until the morning. She got in bed and listened to Adora’s even breathing. Catra felt strange, lying in bed next to her. The memory of their last conversation played in her head and for a moment, she considered leaving. Part of her didn’t feel like it was right to share a bed again, not before she had a chance to apologize. But looking at Adora, Catra didn’t think she had the heart to leave. Not again.

So she stayed. She took a stray strand that was in Adora’s face and tucked it behind her ear. Catra was barely touching her, careful not to wake her, but Adora leaned into the touch. She hummed softly in her sleep and Catra let out a quiet purr. Yes, talking could definitely wait. All she needed to know in order to sleep well was that Adora was okay. Nothing mattered more than that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Readers can have a little Catradora, as a treat.
> 
> Like I said, this is basically just a part two to the previous chapter. Next time we'll have more Catradora and the Best Friend Squad all together. For now, it felt kind of nice to give them a bit of space. Also, Micah's a cool character and I've been wanting to do a scene between him and Adora since I started writing this.
> 
> These last two chapter titles come from the Johanna Warren song by the same name. I was listening to it while writing and realized that one line especially describes the fic quite well so it's now in the fic summary.


	8. Saith My Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Best Friend Squad is reunited and soon called away on a mission.

Adora had a peaceful night. As peaceful as could be expected, she supposed.

The previous day at Mystacor was a welcome break from everything else that had been going on. She had spent most of the day at the hot springs with Glimmer, as promised. They had dinner in Mystacor, much to Casta’s delight, and headed back to Bright Moon with Micah. All of them made Adora feel like she was a part of their family and her heart burst with the joy of knowing them, loving them.

She still felt dread as she headed to her room and found it empty, but it seemed more bearable than on the night before. Melog showed up again, as Adora hoped they would, and she went to sleep feeling lighter than when she woke up.

Her mind wasn’t completely without worry, as evidenced by her dream. She thought she had woken up and even braced herself for the sight of the empty bed. She was waiting for Catra’s absence to hit her like it had done the day before. Only, when she looked at the other side of the bed, Adora saw her, lying right next to her. She didn’t allow herself the excitement of seeing Catra, though. Instead, she concluded that this must be a dream.

Adora didn’t mind it all that much. At least she got to see Catra’s peaceful form as her chest rose slowly with every breath, even if it did only exist in her subconscious. A bittersweet smile appeared on her face as she lifted her arm to scratch behind Catra’s ears. It was her dream, after all; she might as well indulge herself. But when Adora touched Catra’s head and the most precious purr hit her ears, it was the first sign that this was not, in fact, a dream.

Adora was careful when evaluating the situation. She couldn’t let herself believe that Catra really did come back unless she was absolutely sure that this was real. She clenched her fist, determining that it felt too real to be happening in her dream. She eyed Catra, her eyes still closed and fast asleep. Melog was resting at their feet, Adora noted. If this was real, they must have moved at some point during the night.

It certainly _seemed_ real but Adora couldn’t be sure. She pinched her own arm but she wasn’t satisfied with it as proof. She decided to touch Catra again instead, that would settle it. Adora reached Catra’s arm and grabbed her skin before she even had time to think her reasoning through.

Catra bolted up with a shriek. “Argh, what the... Adora! Did you just pinch me?”

So Catra was real. She was awake and _mad_ but most importantly she was _real_ and she was right there next to Adora.

Adora gaped at her as Catra massaged her own arm. “You sure do know how to wake a lady, huh,” she grumbled.

“It’s you,” Adora whispered as her senses returned to her. She was still lying on her side, looking up at Catra with disbelief.

“Yeah, obviously” Catra scoffed. She looked down at Adora, for the first time since she awoke, and her expression softened. “I’m... I’m sorry, I got back late last night. I probably shouldn’t have come in.”

Catra made a move to get off the bed and Adora grabbed her arm. “No! Please, don’t go. I’m happy you did come back,” there was desperation in her voice, Adora knew it. She didn’t see any point in trying to hide it.

Catra hesitated but layback down. She mirrored Adora’s position: hand under her head, the other arm resting in the space between them. Adora stared into her eyes, blue and gold both looking back at her in a tentative gaze.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come earlier,” Catra whispered, never breaking their eye contact.

“You’re here now,” Adora replied with a soft understanding.

Catra dropped her gaze as her head tilted ever so slightly down. Adora could tell that she wanted to say something but was struggling with the words. She reached Catra’s face with her the gentle touch of her hand. Her thumb stroked Catra’s cheek and her eyes looked back into Adora’s.

“I really am sorry. I shouldn’t have run out on you. I shouldn’t have said... everything I said,” Catra’s voice stayed quiet. She took Adora’s hand in her own but let it stay on her cheek.

“Catra, it’s okay. You were right, we should talk about this. I should have listened to you.”

Catra closed her eyes and she shook her head as much as she could in the space between the pillow and their hands. She took Adora’s hand and placed it in the gap between them, stroking the back of her hand like Adora did her cheek.

“Still,” she said, looking at their hands. “I overreacted. But I am here for you, Adora, whatever you want to do.”

Adora would never get tired of the way her name sounded in Catra’s voice. Even when they were fighting on opposite sides, the way Catra said her name was the constant between them. Adora felt like herself when Catra called her name. She trusted her with that word like she trusted her with her whole being.

“We’ll do it together, okay?” Adora squeezed Catra’s hand. She brought it down to clear their field of vision, eyes connecting once again. “We can discuss it later. I just couldn’t bear losing you to something like this.”

Adora’s voice threatened to break at the end of her sentence. She felt awful after their fight but seeing Catra again made her realize just how much she dreaded losing her. She couldn’t, not after everything. She wanted to stay in this moment where the past didn’t threaten their future.

“You won’t,” Catra’s reply was quick and firm. “Promise.”

Adora’s heart skipped a beat at Catra’s words.

“So,” she began, her voice betraying her emotions. “Does this mean you’re still my girlfriend?”

Catra blinked at her. Confusion turned into a grimace and hearty laugh. Adora frowned but before she could question it, Catra leaned in and kissed her.

Hearing Catra say her name made Adora feels safe; the taste of her lips made her feel like she was at home. This was where they truly belonged.

“You’re still an idiot,” Catra snickered after they parted.

“Okay, but is that a yes?”

Catra rolled her eyes and kissed her again.

* * *

Things were going well for Catra.

There was a nagging at the back of her mind, telling her that she did need to talk about the argument with Adora. The voice sounded an awful lot like Bow’s. They both agreed that could wait, though. The morning bliss felt too good to ruin with a serious conversation. Not that Catra was planning on having fights with Adora too often, but she had to admit, she very much appreciated the making up part.

They were walking down a corridor, hand in hand, when Glimmer and Bow turned a corner and saw them.

Bow started squealing as soon as he saw their hands. “Aww, I knew it!”

“Heh, hey guys,” Adora greeted them.

Glimmer raised a smug eyebrow as she looked at Catra. She shrugged her shoulders as a response.

Bow made his way towards them and Catra’s ears perked up as she realized what he was about to do. She evaded his arms just in time to escape his hug. As a result, he landed awkwardly on Adora and the two of them almost tripped. Catra smirked, satisfied with herself. She was so busy looking at Adora and Bow that she failed to notice Glimmer teleporting behind her. Before Catra knew it, she was trapped in Glimmer’s tight embrace.

“Nice try but you can’t escape this,” Glimmer laughed in her ear. Catra’s cheeks flushed with blood. Before she could protest, Adora and Bow used the opportunity to regain their balance and join the two of them in a group hug.

“Best Friend Squad hug!” Bow shouted and the others chuckled.

Catra gave in and leaned into the hug, content that no one could see her smile.

It took the group a while to calm down from laughing and teasing each other. It wasn’t until Bow’s tablet pinged that his expression turned serious.

“Oh, right,” he said, looking at his device. “I almost forgot. We were on our way to see you guys, we have a situation.”

“A situation? Somehow, that doesn’t sound good,” Catra muttered.

“What is it? Is someone in trouble?” Adora asked.

“It’s a message from Scorpia,” Glimmer chimed in. “She said that Prime’s ship started acting up and causing all sorts of weird things in the Fright Zone.”

A shiver ran down Catra’s spine at the mention of Prime’s name. Adora glanced at her and took Catra’s hand in hers once again.

“Alright, what does she need?” Adora’s determination was clear as day in her voice.

“She just asked if we could check it out. It’s probably nothing serious, the ship itself is harmless since She-Ra, you know,” Bow gestured vaguely at Adora. “Did... whatever it was that you did.”

Adora put on a smirk and Catra didn’t know whether she should roll her eyes or smile.

“Since the ship is in the atmosphere I could teleport us up there. We can be in and then out, we just need to take a look,” Glimmer said.

Adora nodded and Catra felt like she needed to be the one to point out the obvious.

“Why can’t Entrapta take a look?” she asked.

“She’s still on Beast Island with Hordak,” Bow replied. “Scorpia tried to reach her but she said Entrapta is way too caught up to go to the Fright Zone right now.”

_Figures_ , Catra thought to herself. The person best suited for the job and the person who was supposed to be responsible for this kind of stuff were off on their own adventures. She didn’t spare Hordak many thoughts these days. Part of the reason for that was that she turned quite bitter whenever she thought of how easy Hordak got off, after everything.

“It’s okay, we can do it ourselves,” Adora said. She turned to Catra and must have sensed her unease. “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.”

Catra looked at her and saw the concern in her eyes. “No,” she said. “No, it’s okay. I’ll go with you.”

Adora smiled and squeezed her hand.

“Trust me, I’m not too happy, either,” Glimmer’s voice turned her attention away from Adora’s blue eyes. “But the sooner we deal with this, the better.”

* * *

They arrived at the Fright Zone later that day. Catra didn’t want to be anywhere near the place, much less on the ship towering above them.

She thought back to their argument with Adora. They hadn’t talked through it yet but Catra still believed that Adora should face her memories. It’s not like Catra wanted Adora to have to live through that again, quite the opposite. But she did genuinely believe that it was the only way Adora would ever get to move on. Now, as Catra stood in the Fright Zone, with Prime’s ship looming over her, she understood Adora’s hesitation more than ever.

Catra took a deep breath. She could do this. Adora, Glimmer, and Bow were all here. She needed to do this.

Scorpia and Wrong Hordak greeted them. Transforming the Fright Zone into a new kingdom was well underway but it was looking to be a long and arduous process, even with She-Ra restoring the natural flora. Wrong Hordak found purpose in helping Scorpia with her vision of this renewed kingdom. In fact, Scorpia spent much of her time with Perfuma in Plumeria and it was Wrong Hordak who set up shop in the Horde’s old headquarters and worked non-stop towards a new beginning.

“Oh, gosh, I’m so glad you guys are here!” Scorpia exclaimed when she saw them.

“Siblings! It is indeed good to see you,” Wrong Hordak said.

“Siblings?” Glimmer asked. “That’s a new one.”

“Yes. I have been informed that the word ‘brother’ has gendered connotations. From now on, I use ‘siblings’ as a way to greet groups!” Wrong Hordak winked at them.

“Good for you, buddy,” Bow's smile looked a little uncomfortable to Catra but genuine nonetheless.

“Thank you,” Wrong Hordak hesitated for a moment. “Brother!”

He looked delighted with himself and Catra had to admit that even she found this clone charming. She certainly preferred him to other versions.

“Can you show us what’s been happening with the ship?” Adora asked them.

“Sure, follow me,” Scorpia lead the way towards what used to be the Force Captain barracks. “A small chunk of the ship landed right over there this morning. Wrong Hordak called me and I, well, I called you guys!”

When they got to the barracks, Catra needed a moment to take the sight in. She spent her last years in the Horde right here, and though it never really felt like home to her, the difference was staggering. Half of it was in ruins thanks to her fight with Hordak and what little remained was covered in plants. In the middle, a metallic chunk sat in a small crater, buzzing with electricity.

“Here it is,” Scorpia gestured at the bundle of metal. “I tried conducting the electricity but it just doesn’t listen to me. My powers just don’t seem to affect it and it's been messing with the whole area.”

“So this fell out of Prime’s ship, huh,” Catra eyed the thing, trying to determine what section it belonged to. It’s not like she knew every single component inside and out but she felt a strange need to know what had happened. A morbid curiosity about the place that had been her prison once.

“That’s right, little sister!”

Wrong Hordak’s tone was as chipper as ever but as soon as the words hit her ears, it was like the current of the metal chunk ran through Catra’s whole body. It was like another voice was addressing her — no, the same voice. Different tone. Her eyes widened and she felt every muscle in her body tense.

“What. Did you just call me?” her voice came out through gritted teeth. Catra clenched her fists and felt as her claws dug into her palm. She focused on that feeling to keep herself from lurching towards the clone.

“I— Forgive me, did I say something wrong?”

Adora grabbed Catra’s wrist and tried to get her to focus on her.

“Hey, Catra, it’s okay, it’s just us.”

Glimmer placed a hand on Wrong Hordak’s shoulder. “Don’t worry. It’s just... that’s not the right word to use with Catra.”

“Oh, I see, I do apologize,” Wrong Hordak looked at Catra. “Shall I address you as sibling instead?”

Catra growled at him. “Whatever, don’t address me at all for all I care.”

She turned to leave. She didn’t get far before Adora caught up to her.

“Hey, you okay? He didn’t mean anything by it, he just didn’t know.”

Catra stared at the ground. She tried her best to push everything that threatened to burst out of her down.

“I’m fine,” she grumbled.

Adora took her chin in her hand and gently nudged it upwards. For a split second, Catra felt as if it was a boot under her chin, forcing her to look at him, to see green and white and why couldn’t he just let her die— No. No, it was Adora’s hand touching her, and Catra couldn’t help it: melting into Adora’s touch was second nature to her at this point. Her breathing evened when she looked into Adora’s eyes and focused on her presence.

“It just took me by surprise, that’s all,” Catra continued, her voice softer than before. “It got too much for a second. Being here and hearing that...”

Adora’s eyes betrayed her worry. “Do you want to turn back? It’s not too late.”

Catra took Adora’s hand and shook her head. “No. No, I can do this.”

Adora waited a moment before nodding her head. “Okay. Let’s go then.”

“Are you good to go?” Glimmer asked them when they rejoined the group. Catra gave her a firm nod and prepared herself for the teleport.

Her last thought before leaving the Fright Zone was that she had been up there once before and survived.

But as the world blurred around her and she felt Glimmer’s weightlessness take her along, Catra couldn’t help as a sense of dread held onto her. Maybe that last thought about survival wasn't quite right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the fluffiest chapter yet but not without its own sense of foreboding.
> 
> The fic is taking a different direction than I initially thought but I quite like expanding upon the original idea and I hope you do too. Though we're taking a bit of a break from Adora's memory conundrum, that's still ultimately at the heart of the story. In the meantime, I did want to give space to Catra's Prime-related trauma as well so expect more of that in the next chapter as the team boards Prime's ship.
> 
> As of right now, the plan is five more chapters but we'll see what the future brings. Or, you know, the past.


	9. Albatross

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All aboard on Prime's ship!

As used as she was to Glimmer’s powers by now, Adora took a moment to adjust after they arrived on Prime’s ship.

Glimmer was resting her hands on her knees. It took strength to transport six people to such a height.

“You okay?” Bow put a protective arm around her shoulders.

Glimmer smiled at him. “Yeah, I just need a moment.”

Adora looked around. As far as she could tell, they were near the cargo bay.

“Alright, we should split up to cover more ground,” she said. “Bow and Wrong Hordak, you should check out the main control room. You have the best chances of fixing this.”

Bow nodded and Wrong Hordak gave her a thumbs up, accompanied by a wink.

“Catra, Glimmer,” Adora turned to face them. She hesitated for a second. Apart from perhaps Wrong Hordak, they knew the ship best but they also had the most baggage with it.

“We can check the upper decks,” Glimmer offered. “It’s where I... where we spent most of our time. If there’s something wrong there, we’ll find it.”

Adora looked over to Catra. She let her know with a curt nod that she was okay with that plan.

“Scorpia and I will check the lower decks, then,” Adora said. “Everyone has their earpieces? Keep each other updated and let’s get to the bottom of this.”

The pairs all went on their way. Adora eyed the metal walls suspiciously as she and Scorpia made their way deeper and deeper into the ship.

The magic of Etheria covered the outside of the spaceship with plants but, for the most part, the inside remained intact. Well, intact - the whole place was a shadow of its former self, endless dark corridors, and a deeply prevailing sense of emptiness. From what Adora had seen of it, it was never a warm place, but now the contrast of its outer layer and its inside hollowness was staggering.

“Oh, wow,” she heard Scorpia’s voice beside her. “This kind of looks familiar.”

Adora looked at her. Scorpia was craning her neck in all kinds of directions, her gaze filled with an awe that Adora couldn’t understand.

“What do you mean?”

“You know, I’m not sure,” Scorpia glanced at Adora. “I know I’ve been here before but it’s all foggy. Like, because of the chip?”

“Oh, right,” Adora felt a pang of guilt as she remembered that Scorpia was also once under Prime’s control once. She’d forgotten that he did that to so many people.

Catra didn’t talk much about being chipped. She knew Catra had opened up to Perfuma once or twice but she always just shrugged when Adora asked if she wanted to talk about it. Every now and then Catra bolted awake from a nightmare she had, grasping at the back of her neck. Adora had to physically restrain Catra so she didn’t hurt herself. It was only after she had calmed down, after Adora told her over and over again that it just a dream that Catra’s breathing would even out.

Adora saw how at ease Scorpia seemed, how she didn’t tense when she talked about being chipped. Every experience was different, she figured. Still, she was intrigued to find out about Scorpia’s.

“So,” Adora began, unsure of how to say it. “How... how was that? Being chipped?”

They were approaching the hangar now. Dozens of ships stood next to each other, some of them not any taller than them. It made Adora feel the emptiness even more.

“I don’t remember much, to be honest,” Scorpia answered after she took the sight of the spaceships in. “That’s probably for the best.”

The words hit closer to home for Adora than she expected. She staggered in her steps as Scorpia began examining the ships.

Adora thought of Scorpia in the Fright Zone as she fought She-Ra, Perfuma, and Catra. She figured it wasn’t something Scorpia would want to remember. She was always so friendly with everyone but there had always been a rift between the two of them and so Adora struggled with the right way to ask Scorpia the questions she wanted.

Scorpia noticed her hesitation. “You alright back there, Adora?”

Adora shook her head and willed herself to focus on their mission. “Yeah, sorry. I’ll check those ones.”

They looked over the ships, searching for anything out of the ordinary. Silent moments were only disrupted by their footsteps and the humming of machines.

It was only after they left for another level that Adora gathered the courage to ask Scorpia. “Hey, what you said about not remembering,” Scorpia turned to her and hummed in encouragement. “Do you really believe that? That it’s better?”

Scorpia looked quizzed for a moment. Understanding lit up her face and Adora had half a mind to say ‘nevermind’ but Scorpia beat her to it.

“I mean, it’s not better, exactly,” Scorpia said. “It’s just what it is. I know what happened and I know it wasn’t my fault.”

Adora nodded. “Yeah, that’s good.”

Scorpia eyed her. “Listen, Adora,” they had arrived at a lab of sorts and began sorting through the equipment. “I’m sorry about the way you had to found out about, you know, the Shadow Weaver mind wipe thing. That must have been hard.”

“Uh-hum,” Adora murmured. She should have known the conversation would end up here eventually.

“I know Micah looked at the Black Garnet earlier. If you need anything else, just let me know.”

Adora looked back at her and couldn't help but smile at Scorpia's sincerity. “Thanks, Scorpia. He’s hit a bit of a dead-end, but I’m sure he’ll figure it out.”

“Uh, I see,” Scorpia paused for a moment before continuing. She examined some kind of machinery as she spoke. “You know, Perfuma helped me a lot with processing the whole chipping stuff. She’s been helping Catra, too, though I don’t think she’d admit that. You know how that Wildcat is.”

Scorpia chuckled and Adora joined her. In fact, Perfuma had been helping Catra so much that she even started admitting it. And to think of Perfuma and Scorpia together warmed Adora’s heart: they were so good for each other, so unapologetically supportive.

“That’s good to hear,” Adora said, fully embracing her smile.

Scorpia looked pensive. “She’s been making such amazing progress,” she was in such awe for a moment that Adora wondered if there was something flashing before her eyes. “Gosh, that just shows you anything’s possible.”

There was a quiet understanding between Scorpia and Adora. They were both jealous of each other at one point or another because of their relationship with Catra. After Scorpia joined the Rebellion, they had a short but heartfelt talk about what she had meant to them. Neither was in the right headspace back then: they had both let go after believing in her for so long. Adora tried her best not to even think about Catra to avoid the utter devastation of losing her forever. Then, of course, Catra came back to her.

Yeah, Adora thought, there had always been a bit of a rift between them but there was also a connection that Adora and Scorpia shared.

“Maybe you could join us one day,” Scorpia continued, snapping Adora out of her thoughts. “If you want to, that is. No pressure. But I really do think it helps, whether you remember things or not.”

Scorpia’s earnestness had always been contagious and, She-Ra or not, Adora was no exception. “Yeah, maybe.”

Scorpia smiled back at her before turning back to the wall she was at. “Oh, what do we have here?”

“You found something?”

“Yeah, I think... I think it looks like First Ones’ writing?”

“What? Let me see.”

Adora rushed to where Scorpia was. She looked at the wall and there it was. First Ones’ script, clear as day. Reading it was second nature to Adora, though she couldn’t explain how. That thought didn’t matter though when she saw what the writing said.

“Oh, no,” she let out a horrified gasp.

“Adora? What is it?”

“We need to call the others.”

* * *

Catra’s stomach churned with every step they took.

The only thing keeping her going at that point was Glimmer. She was just as uncomfortable as Catra was and they drew a strange sense of strength from that, just as they had done once before in this very place.

Catra wanted to pass by the holding cell as quickly as possible. She thought Glimmer would want the same but when they arrived, she stopped.

“Glimmer?” Catra called out to her.

“I’m good,” Glimmer replied. She let out a heavy sigh. She was staring at her former prison. “I felt like I needed to see this again. Isn’t that strange?”

“No, I think that’s... fair,” Catra said.

Glimmer shook her head and her gaze left the room. She started walking again and Catra followed. “It feels easier this time around. Maybe that’s because he’s gone.”

“And you’re not a prisoner anymore.”

“That, too. But I wasn’t the last time I was here.”

Catra raised an eyebrow. Her silent question reached Glimmer. “I mean, when we here with Bow, Adora, and Entrapta.”

“Oh,” Catra realized what she had meant. When they had come for her. Glimmer wasted that trip to her former room then, Catra never spent a day in this particular prison. Prime had something different in mind for her.

She shook the images from her head and they moved on. It wasn’t long before Glimmer’s step halted once again. They reached another room: this one was huge, adorned with all kinds of strange artifacts. It was weird, sure, but Catra thought it was definitely something Prime would have on his ship. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary and worth stopping for.

“You see anything?” she asked Glimmer.

“No, it’s not that,” her eyes looked clouded, unfocused. Glimmer shook her head again. “Sorry, this is also familiar.”

Catra hummed. “Do you... do you ever dream about it?”

“Oh, all the time,” Glimmer response was so quick that Catra was taken aback by it for a second.

“Huh.”

“What, you thought you had a monopoly on Prime-related nightmares?”

From anyone else, Catra would have interpreted the words as hostile. Coming from Glimmer, there was a gentle teasing and a raw honesty behind the statement.

“With his track record? I doubted it.”

“He ruined certain words for me, too,” Glimmer whispered after a moment of silence.

Catra raised her eyebrows in surprise. “What do you mean?”

“You know how he was always like ‘your majesty’ this, ‘your majesty’ that in that awful condescending voice of his?” Glimmer did a decent job recreating Prime’s tone, but even without that, Catra knew exactly what she meant.

“I guess it’s not as bad, you know, what you freaked out about,” Glimmer shrugged her shoulders.

“No, don’t say that,” Catra’s reply was swift. “Don’t compare the two. Your experiences are valid, too.”

Catra was just as surprised at her own words as Glimmer. They stared at each other before Catra looked away, wondering where exactly that came from. First Adora and Perfuma, and now Bow was rubbing off on her, too.

“That’s... that’s true,” Glimmer eventually said. “It’s just weird, I guess. Like, I’m the queen, I can’t just tell people not to say that.”

“Actually, you can do exactly that as queen,” Catra suggested. “But if that makes you feel any better, you’ll always be a sparkling princess in my eyes. And I’m most certainly _never_ going to address you as anything like that.”

Glimmer gave her a playful shove. “Geez, thanks, Catra, that warms my heart.”

“Anytime, Sparkles,” Catra chuckled.

Glimmer’s expression turned serious again as she started looking around.

“I know I’ve thanked you before,” she said. “And I know you said you only did it for Adora. But it took a lot of guts to send me away like you did.”

Catra stared ahead at a funny-looking orb in the room. She found comfort in sharing in this overall experience with Glimmer, of being back here. That didn’t mean she wanted to talk about what happened afterwards.

“It wasn’t guts. I don’t know what it was... Stupidity, most likely.”

“Sure, if you want, we’ll call it that. Fits you better.”

Catra rolled her eyes but let her mouth turn into a smirk. It took her a long time to admit it, but that was what she liked about Sparkles. The banter between them stayed snugly inside her comfort zone.

“Alright, princess, we should probably move on. There’s much of this nightmare ship to explore.”

“Yeah, just a second,” Glimmer stepped into the room. “I think I see something.”

Catra crossed her arms. “Really, you’re going to take a souvenir?”

Glimmer didn’t answer. She bent down to pick something up but Catra couldn’t quite see what.

“Glimmer, what is it?” concern crept its way into Catra’s voice.

“Uhm, Catra,” Glimmer said. “You should probably check this out.”

Catra barely had time to frown before Glimmer extended her arm and showed her what she’d been holding.

The red paint on the headpiece faded since Catra had last seen it. Dents and scratches covered its surface but it retained the general shape. The V-shaped cut was still there between the eye-shaped holes and Catra could almost feel the ghost of its touch as she looked at the frame.

Glimmer was holding Catra’s mask in her hands.

Catra glared at it and she could have sworn she heard the clang of the mask hitting the metal floor. But Glimmer was still holding it; the sound had been a memory.

“Catra,” Glimmer began but her sentence was interrupted by Bow’s voice coming through the earpiece.

“Guys, I think you should join us in the control room. Wrong Hordak and I found what’s wrong with the ship.”

Catra let the words dissolve. She kept staring dead ahead. It was only when she heard Adora’s voice coming from the device that she blinked and looked at Glimmer instead of the mask she had been holding.

“We found something too,” Adora said, her voice carrying the same sense of urgency Bow’s did. “We’ll be right there.”

“Copy that, Catra and I are on our way,” Glimmer added. She looked back at Catra, her silent concern evident.

“Let’s go then,” Catra said and turned on her heels before Glimmer could say anything.

* * *

Catra practically ran to the control room. The only way for Glimmer to keep up with her was to teleport and they got there seconds before Adora and Scorpia did. Bow and Wrong Hordak had taken the panels apart and Bow was sitting on the floor, staring at his tablet in disbelief.

“What is it, what did you guys find?” Glimmer asked.

“Wrong Hordak and I found some kind of contingency plan coded into the ship,” Bow said. “We haven’t figured out exactly what it is yet but it doesn’t look good.”

“Why doesn’t he know more about this?” Catra muttered, gesturing at Wrong Hordak.

“I’m sorry, I was not aware that such a plan was in place,” he looked so deflated that for the briefest of moments, Catra felt the tiniest hint of guilt hit her. She waved it away just as she did with thoughts of the mask. All of that had to wait.

“I know what this is,” Adora spoke and they all looked at her. “Scorpia and I found First Ones’ writing. I think, somehow, Prime used a similar virus to the one he infected the Heart with. It's based on First Ones' tech.”

Scorpia frowned. “Why would he do that? Infect his own ship?”

“Of course!” Bow squeaked, pointing at his tablet. “That’s the contingency. If Prime was to fail, his ship would do some kind of slow self-destruction, taking Etheria with it. The component that launched into the Fright Zone is only the beginning of that.”

“This guy’s the worst even in death,” Glimmer muttered and Catra had to agree.

“You said this is some First Ones’ tech,” Catra turned to Adora. “Does that mean you can stop it?”

Adora opened her mouth but no words came. A shiver ran down Catra’s spine at the sight of her distress and she took a step to get closer to Adora.

“Adora?” she asked.

“Yes, it does appear that She-Ra could deactivate the self-destruction protocol.” Wrong Hordak said.

Catra looked back at Adora. She took her hand in hers and squeezed. Adora took a deep breath and looked at Glimmer. Catra frowned but didn’t question it. Only the three of them seemed to be aware of Adora’s hesitation.

Adora nodded. She took a step back and closed her eyes, extending her arm, and Catra could see the concentration on her face. It was like they were cadets once again and Adora was preparing for a particularly challenging drill. It was only when Adora spoke that Catra realized how far they were from those days they had spent in the Horde.

“For the honor of Grayskull!”

For a split second, Catra thought it wasn’t going to work. A bright light appeared in Adora’s hand and glitched out. She was about to call out Adora’s name when the light exploded again and engulfed her whole body. It was only after the glow faded that Catra could see Adora again, holding her sword and standing tall in white and gold.

She-Ra was back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glimmer and Catra are really fun to write, I dig their dynamic. Adora and Scorpia, on the other hand, were a bit of a struggle but we got there eventually. I haven't written much this week but as soon as motivation strikes once again we'll wrap things up on the Velvet Glove and move into the last third of the fic. Whoop whoop!
> 
> Oh, also, the fic is now at more than 3000 hits so thanks so much, everyone, that's quite the number!


	10. Purification

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to face the virus.

Adora allowed herself a moment to revel in She-Ra’s presence.

She’d been dreading the moment She-Ra would be needed again. Ever since Alwyn, she hadn’t dared focus too much on transforming for fear that she might not be able to. It was a pit in her stomach, an anchor weighing her heart down. And between Catra and Micah and not knowing when if ever she was going to get her memories back, she’d been putting off facing the darkness again.

But here she was, standing tall. She felt so much stronger already, the anchor gone and She-Ra’s light radiating from within. She could feel rather than see a shadow in the corner of her eye but she willed herself to focus on the mission at hand.

Prime’s ship. First Ones’ tech used to turn it against Etheria. Right, that’s why they needed She-Ra.

The others looked at her expectantly.

“Bow, where do you think the source of the virus is?” Adora asked.

“It is most likely to be originating from the engine room, tall sister,” Wrong Hordak answered before Bow could.

Bow examined his tablet and nodded. “He’s right. You have to be careful though, I can’t tell what kind of defense mechanism it has.”

Catra scoffed. “If it’s anything like other First Ones’ tech, this should be fun.”

Adora considered their options. “Bow, Wrong Hordak, you two should stay here and monitor the ship’s situation. Try disabling it if you can and keep us updated.”

Wrong Hordak gave her a thumbs up and winked.

Adora looked at Scorpia, Glimmer, and Catra. “Let’s see what the engine room hides.”

Adora could feel Catra staring at her on the way there. She wanted to talk to Catra more than anything; she seemed off, uncomfortable. But stopping the ship from self-destructing and taking Etheria with it came first. That knowledge didn't make it easier for her to not put Catra first.

It wasn’t long before they reached the engine room. The dark metal was a stark contrast to the overwhelming brightness of the rest of the ship; the humming of engines accompanied their steps as they entered.

“I don’t see anything that stands out,” Scorpia said, looking around in confusion.

“Keep your eyes peeled,” Adora warned them. “The virus might manifest to protect itself.”

Catra extended her claws and went deeper into the room, with Glimmer in tow.

Adora heard Bow’s voice coming from her earpiece. “Guys, we just did an energy reading and there’s definitely something big going on over there. What do you see?”

Adora was about to reply when an ear-piercing shriek erupted from a dark corner of the room. She _felt_ the creature rush towards them before she saw it. A beast not too dissimilar from the one at the Heart: a long body with a tentacled mouth snarling at them. It was smaller than the one Shadow Weaver had taken out but that didn’t reassure Adora at all. That one could only be burnt with fire and the cost of Shadow Weaver’s life.

Several things happened at once. Catra immediately jumped at it, clawing at its head with the fury of a dozen Horde soldiers. Glimmer and Scorpia summoned their magic and shot at the beast, causing it to cry out in pain. Adora, for her part, grabbed the Sword of Protection and charged towards the creature.

The others were shouting directions at each other, Bow frantically calling out their names in the earpiece, the creature snarling. Adora concentrated on the single goal of stopping the creature before it could cause any more harm. It was only after she got knocked back by one of the tentacles that she heard Catra shout her name and she gained enough clarity.

They weren’t going to win this battle. Even if they could, Adora knew at that moment that it would cost them too much to defeat the beast with brute strength. She thought back to the Heart and the creature in Alwyn. At that moment, as she watched her friends going at it from different angles, she knew what she had to do.

“Adora!” Catra shouted her name once again and ran to her.

“Catra, I have an idea,” Adora took Catra’s hand and stood up. “But I need you to trust me.”

Catra raised an eyebrow. “I’m not gonna like this, am I?”

“Scorpia and Glimmer are going to distract it. When you can, strike at the eyes. Avoid hurting it if you can, just try to blind it so we can subdue it.”

Concern grew in Catra’s eyes. “And then what? Adora, what are you going to do?”

Adora leaned down to give her a quick kiss. “And that’s where I need you to trust me.”

She grabbed the sword and ran to where Glimmer and Scorpia were trying to combat the beast. Adora told them what to do and went looking for pipes, pieces of machinery, anything they could use to restrain the creature.

The combined power of Glimmer’s and Scorpia’s magic was enough to temporarily overwhelm the beast. Adora was on her way back to them when she saw Catra leap at it from the side, climbing on its head and unleashing her claws. The beast cried out as its many eyes were hurt. It swirled around until Catra was thrown off balance and landed in a painful crash.

Adora winced at the sound of Catra’s body colliding with the ground but she didn’t have time to hesitate. She used She-Ra raw power to form the scraps of metal she found into chains. Scorpia helped her and together they managed to bring the beast to the ground. She knew it wouldn’t take long for it to regain its power.

“Adora, are you sure about this?” Glimmer asked her.

Adora took a deep breath and gave Glimmer a weak smile. Truth to be told, she wasn’t. But it seemed like their best shot.

Adora approached the creature and placed a gentle hand on its head. All these beasts, they weren’t monsters. The creature protecting the Heart was corrupted by the First Ones’, programmed to fight their battle. Prime took this one and did the same. All Adora needed to do was channel She-Ra’s energy to set it free from that corruption, just like she tried to do in Alwyn. Theoretically.

Knowing full well how horribly wrong this could go, Adora closed her eyes and channeled She-Ra’s magic. It went much like it had before: light engulfed her and extended to the creature. It was struggling, she could tell, but with every passing moment, it became easier to guide it away from the infection of the First Ones’ and Prime.

And then came the hard part.

Adora couldn’t ignore the tugging of her shadow anymore. She braced herself and let it come for her once again.

Images and noises swirled in front of her, darkening the light that had previously been so bright. The flashing of memories and snippets that she couldn’t place were threatening to overpower her.

She didn’t fight back.

Instead, she let the images go and focused on her own source of light. She forced her own mind to remember Bow’s voice and Glimmer’s smile, to remember the way Catra’s arms felt around her when they embraced.

She held on, barely, and as the flashes passed, she could feel the creature ease into her touch. The magic flowed right through her into the beast as it calmed. Adora only opened her eyes when its head disappeared from under her hand.

She watched as the beast started evaporating in a golden glow.

* * *

_Catra got knocked out during training, again. Adora kept telling her to look out but Catra’s hair was becoming increasingly more difficult to manage._

_“Just cut it off,” Adora told her one day as they were packing up._

_Catra hissed at her. “No way! If you can have that stupid hair poof then I can have my long hair.”_

_She wouldn’t have admitted it to anyone but Catra tried pulling her hair back as Adora did. She tried but it didn’t feel right. Ponytails were Adora’s thing; it seemed like Catra was destined for wild locks instead of the tight restriction that came with a hair tie._

_Of course, Shadow Weaver had a different idea. Shadow Weaver always had a different idea than Catra._

_“Catra! Come here at once,” she heard the yell after yet another butchered training session._

_Catra reluctantly dragged herself to where Shadow Weaver was standing._

_“What do you have to say for yourself? You’re being useless even by your own abysmal standards. What’s worse, you’re dragging the others down!”_

_Catra’s anger rose at the accusation. “I’m trying! I just got distracted is all.”_

_She huffed a wayward lock out of her eye just in time to see Shadow Weaver’s hand reach for her chin. Catra’s head was jerked up and she was unable to escape Shadow Weaver’s contempt._

_“Figure it out,” came the hiss from behind the mask. “I’ll cut that mane myself if I have to but I will not stand for this performance.”_

_Something snapped inside a young, passionate, impulsive Catra. She could feel the physical pressure building inside of her, threatening to break her as her jaw tightened. If the words hadn’t burst out of her, the tears would have._

_“You can’t do this!” she shouted. Catra yanked Shadow Weaver’s hand off her chin and stood her ground against her. “You can’t keep telling me that I’m good for nothing and then act like I’m supposed to do better. It’s not fair!”_

_The other cadets’ whispers reached Catra’s ears. They were still in the locker room but one look from Shadow Weaver was enough to send them on their way. Catra saw Adora from the corner of her eye. She approached them but Shadow Weaver snapped at her before she could fully reach Catra’s field of vision. She whimpered and left._

_Catra’s chest was rising and falling as she took quick and shallow breaths. For all her bravado, she winced as soon as Shadow Weaver’s hand got close to her face again. But this time, the hand didn’t grab at her violently; the fingers found the lock of hair that was a constant nuisance for Catra._

_“Why must you always resist me, child?” Shadow Weaver’s words echoed in the small room. Catra found herself frozen, unable to look away from the mask or move away from the hand playing with her hair._

_Transfixed, Catra only relaxed when Shadow Weaver finally took a step back. She turned around and left, just like that, leaving Catra alone in her final release of tears._

_“What happened? Are you okay?” Adora whispered when they were back in the barracks at night. Catra turned her back on her and curled up at the foot of the bed. Adora sighed and went to sleep._

_The next day, Catra’s hair got in the way again. Lonnie shouted at her to pull it together and she decided she had enough. Catra charged at the bots and evened the playing field. She clawed at their visionary sensors, ripping them out triumphantly._

_It was an easy task from then on. Lonnie and Adora delivered the final blows, typical, but Catra didn’t care in that moment. She had proven everyone wrong._

_Shadow Weaver showed up at the end of training. She called for Catra and the girl felt ready to fight back again. She wasn’t going to take the humiliation anymore._

_But when Shadow Weaver began speaking, it wasn’t about how useless Catra was._

_“It was a clever move to go for their vision," Shadow Weaver’s voice was suspiciously empty of her usual disdain for Catra. “But that won’t always work on the princesses. You need to be stronger than them, not just bring them down to your own level.”_

_Catra blinked. It was rare, but on occasion Shadow Weaver gave decent advice that improved her results. It just always came at a price._

_“How do I do that?” Catra narrowed her eyes as she spoke._

_Shadow Weaver chuckled. Her behaviour had been confusing Catra and she didn’t like it one bit._

_“You could start by getting your hair out of the way.”_

_“I told you, I’m not cutting it,” Catra growled._

_“I know,” Shadow Weaver’s voice remained calm. “So wear this instead.”_

_She snapped her fingers and a piece of metal fell into Catra’s hands. She stared at the red mask, a hundred questions racing in her head. When Catra looked up, Shadow Weaver was gone._

_She hesitated before trying it on. But as Catra brushed her hair aside and put on this mask, it immediately started feeling like a part of her. It was, in essence, only an accessory, but it made her feel stronger already._

_Adora noticed the new look as soon as she saw her in the barracks._

_“Wow, Catra, that looks so good!”_

_Catra smirked at the sound of that. “Yeah, I know. It’s awesome, right? Told you I didn’t need to get rid of my hair or get a stupid ponytail.”_

_Adora rolled her eyes at the insult but her gaze fell upon the mask again. “Where did you get that, anyway?”_

_Catra’s smile widened. The satisfaction that, for once, it wasn’t Adora enjoying Shadow Weaver’s favour was almost too much. She needed to keep that for herself._

_“Wouldn’t you like to know?”_

_Adora kept prying but gave up soon after and Catra kept the origin of her mask to herself. It was only on the day it was ripped away from her that she was forced to reveal her secrets. She was blinded once again, but this time around it wasn’t by the locks that were falling away from her: it was in the name of purifying light._

* * *

“I thought you’d be here.”

Catra’s ears perked up at the sound of Adora’s voice. She didn’t turn around but she did see Adora approaching from the corner of her eye.

They finally left the ship after they made sure Prime’s virus was deactivated. Catra couldn’t for the life of her figure out what it was exactly that Adora did as She-Ra, but at least it worked. The creature was gone and she rid the spaceship of the infection.

As they got back to the Fright Zone, Glimmer pulled Catra aside for a moment and gave her the mask. Catra drew in a sharp breath, took it, and ran off to her old sulking spot.

“What can I say, I’m a sucker for nostalgia,” Catra said from the ledge. Adora hummed and leaned down on the rail and looked over the transformed Fright Zone.

Catra eyed the once barren land, now covered by grass. It felt more alive than ever before. And yet, there was a profound sense of emptiness she felt when gazed at it.

“It’s been a day, huh?” Adora asked. "How's your shoulder?"

There was a hint of guilt in Adora's voice. Catra didn't mind the pain that much, she had much worse. "It's fine."

Catra finally looked at her, her face silhouetting in the sunset. Rays of dim sunlight created a soft glow around Adora’s features, her blonde hair appearing almost red in the hue. She looked ethereal in that moment.

“Did you know it was going to work?” the words left Catra’s lips before she could think them through. “On the ship. Did you know the creature would disappear?”

Adora’s eyes widened ever so slightly before she sighed and looked back at the grassland before them.

“I guess I just... hoped it would.”

She really did hate how much of an idiot Adora was at times. Catra was in awe of Adora’s courage but the thought of potentially losing her to it someday shot through her heart like electricity.

Catra's whole body tensed. Adora put a hand on her shoulder.

“I know how difficult it must have been for you today. I really appreciate that you still came with us and helped out.”

Catra nodded. “Yeah, well. Can’t let that bastard win, even in death.”

Silent moments passed. It felt strange to Catra, being in a familiar environment that had a sense of renewal to it now.

“You know,” Adora's voice rose above the silence, barely a whisper. “I really didn’t know if I could do it. I didn’t even know if I could transform into She-Ra.”

Catra straightened her back and her head snapped in Adora’s direction. “What do you mean?”

Adora’s gaze fell again. “I was afraid, after Alwyn... I didn’t know if I could and I dreaded to even try. I can’t even tell you how much of a relief it was to be She-Ra again after that.”

“Does this have to do with your memories?” Catra’s question caused Adora to look away. That was as good as a confession in Catra’s eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

She didn’t want to sound accusatory but she couldn’t keep the edge from her voice.

“It was so scary. I thought I could maybe access those memories as She-Ra and it threw me right off. I thought it was best to forget about it all after that.”

At least Adora’s sudden aloofness after Alwyn made a lot more sense now.

“You could have told me then.”

“I know, and I’m sorry.”

“No,” Catra shook her head. “I’m sorry. But hey, we’re a team, right? I want you to feel like you can tell me stuff like that.”

“I do. I just got scared.”

Well, Catra could relate to that, at least.

“And how do you feel now?”

Adora took a moment to think. “I know I’m going to have to face it eventually. We’ll see if that’s even possible.”

“What do you mean?” Catra's surprise was evident in her voice.

“Micah’s still working on it,” Catra wanted to ask more about that but she didn’t want to pressure Adora. The would get to that, in their own time. “Anyway, until then, I want you to know that I do listen to you.”

"Yeah, I know," Catra nodded.

Adora fiddled with her fingers. She took a deep breath and took Catra’s hand in hers. “Scorpia said I could join for one of your sessions with Perfuma.”

Catra saw how tense Adora was and began gently massaging her hand. “Do you want to?”

Shoulders more relaxed now, Adora spoke answered: “I don’t know, maybe. What do you think?”

Catra wrapped her tail around Adora’s leg and leaned into her side. “I think it might be good for you. Perfuma can be annoying but she is right. Most of the time.”

A nod. A face of determination Catra knew so well. “Okay. Okay, yeah, we’ll go then.”

The brief thought of going back for the mask crossed Catra’s mind as they walked back to the others. She hesitated for a moment and Adora asked her what was wrong, but she decided not to look back. The mask could stay right there, in the Fright Zone, where it belonged. As for Catra, she was heading home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know when in LoK Korra uses waterbending to cleanse dark spirits? Yeah.
> 
> This chapter took a long time to form and from now on I'd rather not promise the weekly update. I've been busy and had less time but this next chapter had been forming in my head for months. Still, no promises as to when it's coming out. All I know is that I'm on it and I definitely won't leave you guys hanging, this fic is getting finished.
> 
> I'm happy with how this one turned out. It really did take a long time and though I do think there's room for improvement, I wanted to get it out for you. I hope it's worth the wait and I'm excited for the next one. Catra and Adora go to therapy together!


	11. Muscle Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A cat and a blonde girl walk into therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I can't think of any specific trigger warnings for this chapter, be aware that it does get gradually more intense. Take care and be safe!

Adora battled a sinking feeling in her stomach as she entered Plumeria.

It had been a week since their mission to Prime’s ship. Adora had been getting gradually better at relaxing and after everything that had happened, she welcomed a few days of tranquillity. She spent all of this time at Bright Moon with Catra, Bow, and Glimmer. She found solace in being surrounded by her friends; their meetings about the future reassuring her that the war had been won.

They didn’t need to fight anymore. And yet, Adora couldn’t shake the nagging feeling of something being out of place.

She knew it wouldn’t go away until she faced... everything. Ever since Catra had told her about Shadow Weaver wiping her memories and Lazlo, she’d been feeling like she couldn’t be honest. Not with herself and certainly not with anyone else. _How could I be_ , Adora thought to herself one sleepless night as Catra’s breathing punctuated her string of thoughts. She didn’t know what had truly happened and that frustrated her more than anything.

Shadow Weaver had taken that away from her. It was hard not to let the feeling of bitterness get to her.d S It worried Adora, how overwhelming it felt at times. All that hurt, all that frustration she was feeling towards Shadow Weaver. It felt unfair that she was dead and Adora might never get the closure she needed.

She took Catra’s hand in hers and tried to calm all these thoughts as they approached Perfuma and Scorpia.

“Hey, you two!” Scorpia waved at them with a big smile on her face.

Perfuma clapped her hands together. “Wonderful, you’re here!”

They had asked Perfuma about a joint session the day after Prime’s ship. Adora found her genuine joy at the prospect infectious and it made her feel better, even if she still had her doubts.

“Hi,” Adora smiled at the two. Catra, for her part, waved with her free hand. Adora squeezed the other, a reminder to both of them that they were in this together. Catra had more experience with this than she did but that didn’t mean she wasn’t nervous. Adora could only hope that the warmth of their intertwined fingers calmed Catra’s nerves as much as it did hers.

They all sat down in a quiet area, not far from the tree that encased the Heart-Blossom. It was a lush field with vibrantly coloured blankets and unique-looking flowers completing the view. A bowl of incense was sitting on the blankets, burning quietly and giving the air a lavender scent. Adora would have called it serene, except that was true for all parts of Plumeria. The place had a natural charisma to it that did wonders to her sense of safety.

“First of all, let me just take a moment to be grateful for everyone’s presence,” Perfuma began after they all sat down and copied her position. She sat with her legs crossed as she rested her open palms on her knees. “It’s been so rewarding to have Catra visit and I’m so glad you have also decided to join us, Adora.”

Perfuma had been one of the first people to embrace She-Ra as the protector of Etheria. More importantly, she was quick to accept _Adora_ , for exactly who she was. Love for Perfuma swelled in Adora’s heart as the wave of comfort she felt increased evermore. If she could trust anyone with helping her through this, it was Perfuma.

The princess went on to explain how the session would go. As a complete newcomer, this was another thing Adora was grateful for.

“We can start with a few simple breathing exercises. It’s important that we’re in sync with our bodies and nature for the journey we’re about to go on.”

Scorpia nodded enthusiastically but Catra scoffed. Perfuma raised an eyebrow at her.

Catra cleared her throat. "Sorry. That... Yeah, that sounds nice."

Perfuma's features softened.

"I know that every time you come here is a challenge for you." Adora was mesmerized by how gentle Perfuma sounded. Not that she was a harsh person to begin with but she had her bursts of anxious rants. Now, though, her soft voice waved away any worries. "All I ask is that you continue to keep an open mind."

Catra nodded. It was strange for Adora to see her like this: it wasn't anything new for Catra to be resistant to new things and people helping her but Perfuma seemed to know how to get her on board. When Catra glanced at her, Adora gave her a reassuring smile.

Perfuma demonstrated the breathing exercises and the three of them followed suit. There was a part of Adora that was reminded of her Horde days, the way they had to perfect forms and achieve maximum efficiency. But as Perfuma instructed them to breathe in and breathe out, she felt her muscles relax into the rhythm. That wasn’t something she ever truly experienced in the Fright Zone.

"Good," Perfuma said. "Now that we're eased into it, we can focus on truly relieving our bodies of tension."

"And how do we do that?" Catra asked.

She crossed her arms as soon as the exercise was over but Adora could hear the genuine curiosity in her voice.

Perfuma’s face lit up at the opportunity to explain. “When we go through something traumatic, our bodies try to cope just like our minds do. If we don’t deal with the effects of that, it can hold us back.”

With the flick of her wrist, Perfuma made a plant sprout from the ground. A hint of orange struggled to bloom under the layer of green sepal.

“Tension stops us from growing,” she put a gentle finger on the blossom. “But when we process it, we can bloom into our full potential.”

The flower bloomed into a beautiful cavalcade of crimson, orange, and gold. Scorpia clapped and a giggling Perfuma gave her the flower.

Catra seemed satisfied with the demonstration at first but she quickly furrowed her eyebrows. “So does that mean we’re going to relive these... traumatic events?”

The quiver in her voice made Adora shuffle closer to Catra and grab her hand. Catra didn’t look at her but closed her fingers around hers.

“Well, yes,” Perfuma said. “You have to return to the problem itself to find a solution to it. You won’t truly be reliving it, of course! You’re just going to revisit it mentally and we’re going to help each other through it.”

Catra nodded, still seeming unsure.

Doubt crept its way into Adora’s mind as well. “Wait,” she wondered, thinking about what Catra and Perfuma had said. “I _can’t_ revisit my memories. That’s the root of my problem.”

“Oh, that’s true,” Scorpia said.

Perfuma pondered for a second. “Well, this exercise is about relieving our bodies so the mind can follow. I understand your... unique circumstance, Adora. I have to admit, this is the first time I dealt with memory loss.”

Memory loss, huh. That sounded sort of funny to Adora. It wasn’t like she hit her head during training. It wasn’t like some mysterious illness overtook her. Shadow Weaver robbed her of those memories. What if she could never truly move on because of that?

“What I do know is that our bodies remember, even when our minds don’t,” Perfuma stood and walked to the nearest tree. Adora’s gaze followed her. “Plants also remember, you know. This tree, it learned from its environment. Shaped itself, learnt to grow from it. Nature knows how to move on. I have no doubt in my mind that you can grow from your experiences, too.”

Adora thought about this. She felt Catra squeeze the hand she was still holding in hers. “You don’t have to do this.”

“I know,” Adora looked at her. “But maybe... maybe I can? Or at least try.”

“Adora,” Perfuma called to her. “If there’s anyone who can overcome such a situation, it’s you.”

* * *

“I’m going to start us off, to give you an idea of how it goes,” Perfuma said. They were back in their positions, forming a circle around the bowl of incense. “Everyone, please close your eyes.”

Adora did as she was told and focused on Perfuma’s words and her own breathing.

“After Prime invaded Etheria and the Rebellion was divided because of his mind control, I was wrecked by anxiety,” Perfuma’s voice was calm but with a just hint of something deeper, more nervous. “I was so grateful when you guys got back from space and I could finally _breathe_.

“It’s only recently that I’ve been able to deal with all that had been building up. I could feel the physical toll the stress took and I still need to consciously unclench my muscles sometimes. Scorpia’s been helping me with that.”

Adora found herself noticing the tension she had been holding. It was a strange revelation to free herself of that tension, like Perfuma had said. She relaxed her muscles as she breathed out and felt her shoulders slump. The lavender scent of the incense filled her lungs and she let it calm her body.

After a few moments of silence, she opened her eyes. Perfuma and Scorpia were embracing and both had wide smiles on their faces.

Catra cleared her throat and the two broke apart. “So you see,” Perfuma continued as she got back to where she had been sitting. “It’s all about being conscious of what your body has been through. By releasing the tension from my muscles, I release the inner turmoil.”

“But that wasn’t a specific event,” Catra interjected.

“Catra, don’t be rude!” Adora said.

“No, I mean,” Catra shook her head. “I thought we were going for specific things that happened and caused trauma. That was, well, different than what I thought it’d be.”

Perfuma didn’t mind the question. “That’s true, Catra. You see, my tension was coming from prolonged stress and pressure, but every experience is different. If you want to talk about a particular trauma, you’re more than welcome to do so.”

There was an eagerness to Perfuma’s voice that Adora couldn’t place at first. She didn’t know how much Catra had been sharing exactly but she had a hunch that it had been hard to get her to truly talk about her experiences. Adora could relate to the difficulty of that.

Catra grimaced. “We should probably go clockwise. Scorpia’s next.”

“Oh, right, yeah,” Scorpia said, her voice having a nervous edge that Adora wasn’t used to. Scorpia hadn’t been speaking too much during the session; she was mostly hanging on to every word Perfuma said. Adora found that awe in Scorpia’s eyes extremely sweet, but now there was concern in her expression.

“It’s okay,” Perfuma smiled at her. “You’re safe here.”

Scorpia took a deep breath and they all got back into their previous position.

“Think back to a time that you found challenging,” Perfuma’s voice guided Scorpia and Adora couldn’t help the flash of memories that flooded her mind. The sword breaking. The portal opening. Thinking she had lost Catra. _Losing_ Catra. She quickly shook her head and listened to the words instead. Adora would get her turn and she welcomed the procrastination.

“I… I can feel something forming,” Scorpia whispered.

“Don’t fight it. Nothing can happen to you here. The past has already happened and we need to embrace it.”

The silence between Perfuma’s voice and when Scorpia finally continued threatened to take Adora back to her own batch of demons. Just as she fought to focus on the scent of lavender instead, Scorpia’s voice grounded her attention once again.

“I can feel the cold metal of the Horde’s corridors beneath my feet,” Scorpia spoke, her voice filling the silence that previously hung between them. As she talked, Adora thought back to the sound of her own boots clanking against the metal. “I’m heading to my quarters. I-I’m p-packing up.”

The sharp intake of breath from Adora’s right side was quick but noticeable. She wanted to glance at Catra but found herself mesmerized by Scorpia’s words.

“Even my blanket feels so heavy in my arms. I don’t want to go but… I have to. I never belonged here. I’m… I’m not wanted here.”

“Take a deep breath,” Perfuma instructed. “Think about why you felt that pressure and let it out.”

“I just wanted to belong,” Scorpia’s voice cracked and, suddenly, Adora didn’t want to procrastinate anymore. She couldn’t wait for this part to be over so she could hug her friend. “I feel like I have to make myself smaller, like I’m being crushed. I-I hear m-metal dent next to me. I feel like I can’t speak. Words are getting caught in my throat and I’m just so _useless_.”

Adora had to admit, much of what Scorpia was saying didn’t make sense to her. She could relate to the feelings Scorpia had been describing - she could relate all too well - but she didn’t know what it was about. Adora realized in that moment that she needed to get to know her friend better. They never knew each other in the Horde and had so few moments between just the two of them since. She couldn’t imagine Scorpia ever making herself smaller: she was wonderfully tall and broad and stood proud. Adora loved that about her.

But if she was being honest, even before Scorpia continued Adora knew that things weren’t always like this. She was so busy focusing on Catra whenever they clashed during the war that she only ever noticed from the corner of her eyes Scorpia’s hunched form. Realization dawned on her as the words hit her ears.

“Scorpia, I’m so sorry,” it felt like the words burst out of Catra, judging by the intensity of her voice. Adora couldn’t hold back any longer, she opened her eyes in time to see the agony on Catra’s face.

Scorpia had also opened hers and was looking at Catra with an expression that betrayed both pain and love. “That’s okay, Wildcat, it’s not your fault.”

Catra shook her head, frustrated. “No, it is,” her voice was firm and Adora was taken aback by its intensity. “I treated you horribly!”

“Let’s take a moment to breathe, everyone,” Perfuma’s pitch was higher than before and Adora recognized her nervousness. Things were getting out of hand.

Adora leaned over to Catra and put a hand on her shoulder. Catra all but snapped her neck to look at her, her eyes wide and tears forming in the corners. She was agonized over this and Adora only just noticed. She raised her hand to brush away a tear with her thumb, caressing Catra’s cheek in the process. The faintest of purrs was the only reaction she got.

“Catra, listen,” Scorpia said, the seriousness and sincerity of her tone distracting Adora from the pain in Catra’s eyes. “You were going through a rough time back then and you took it out on me. I see that now. And I didn’t like it, and I needed to get away… that was for the best. But I don’t blame you. The Horde, it held us both back.”

Catra looked at Scorpia and opened her mouth as if she wanted to react. No words left her lips and she let her head drop.

“I forgive you,” Scorpia reassured her. She shuffled closer to Catra and embraced her in a tight looking hug.

Catra smudged a few tears after they broke apart.

“How do you feel now, Scorpia?” Perfuma asked.

Scorpia closed her eyes and Adora did too.

“I feel lighter,” Scorpia said. “I let the weight of the Horde define me for too long. I feel warmer, too. I belong here. I’m a princess. I’m not useless. I don’t need to make myself smaller.”

Adora exhaled deeply and it sounded like the others did, too. Even though Scorpia’s experience wasn’t so strictly tied to the physical, Adora also felt herself become lighter after everything that was shared.

They opened their eyes once again.

“Thank you for your honesty, Scorpia,” Perfuma said. “Sometimes, it’s not being able to be ourselves that causes pain.”

The thought hit Adora like a jolt of electricity rushing through her body. Wasn’t that the truth.

Perfuma turned to Catra. “What about you? Are you ready to share?”

Catra nodded slowly. “Yeah, yeah I think so.”

Perfuma clapped and nodded. “Take your time, though. There’s no rush. Focus on a traumatic experience you’d be comfortable with sharing.”

Catra scoffed. “Gee, which one to choose.”

She muttered a quick ‘sorry’ when she saw the concern in Adora’s eyes. For her part, Adora didn’t need Catra to apologize for that. If anything, Adora was the one who should have been sorry that Catra would even have all of this to work through. She shook that thought away as she knew all too well where guilt could lead her.

They waited patiently until Catra took a deep breath and they all assumed position once again. Adora shut her eyes and braced herself for what was to come.

Perfuma started guiding Catra. “Let yourself focus. Let your body relive what it needs to so it can let go.”

“It’s Prime’s ship,” Catra’s voice came from Adora’s other side. “It’s his ‘pool of purification’ or whatever it is that he called it.”

The disgust in her voice was all too clear to Adora. She struggled, not for the first time since she met Prime, not to be overcome by hatred. Hatred for Horde Prime and all the suffering he had caused.

“You’re doing great, Catra,” Perfuma encouraged her. “Deep breaths and take all the time you need.”

The sound of Catra exhaling was followed by a long moment of silence. Just when Adora thought Perfuma would speak again, it was Catra’s voice that filled the air.

“There are so many of them. They’re all chanting and it’s so _loud_ and I can still hear it even through the water.”

Her voice was clear but so small, so unlike how Catra usually was. The scent of lavender stuck in Adora’s nose as she held her breath, terrified of the words that would follow. She could feel her heart beating faster as she remembered Catra in that awful white dress, eyes green and so empty of everything that made her _Catra_.

“I’m not drowning. I wish I was,” there went her trademark scoff. A bitter laugh that sent shivers down Adora’s spine. “I feel like I am. I feel the electricity course through me and…”

Catra trailed off. The sound of a sharp breath cut through the silence.

“Let yourself feel it,” Perfuma said. “Remember, you’re in control now.”

It seemed so easy the way Perfuma explained it but Adora felt like that couldn’t possibly be true. With every passing moment, it became more agonizing to keep her eyes closed and her hands to herself. She wanted to allow Catra a chance to do this but she also desperately _needed_ to hold her. She felt like she was back on Darla, listening to Catra apologize over the intercom, unable to do anything but listen.

Catra winced. “It hurts. I grind my teeth but the pain keeps coming. I’m not in control. They won’t stop. I’m not in control, I’m not in control, I’m just not!”

Adora couldn’t take it any longer. She opened her eyes and made a move to comfort Catra but Perfuma grabbed her hand. When she looked back, Perfuma was shaking her head.

Adora wanted to protest. She couldn’t just sit by and meditate while Catra was reliving one of the most traumatic experiences of her life. And yet, what she saw in Perfuma’s eyes convinced her. It took everything she had but she put her trust in that expression and sat back down.

In the meantime, Catra was taking deep breaths. She seemed slightly calmer.

“Catra, describe how you’re feeling in your body,” Perfuma said.

“I… I don’t know,” Catra admitted. “I guess, I guess the pain is gone. It was so hollow after that. _I_ was so hollow. When he took over, I was nothing.”

“That’s in the past now. Catra, you triumphed over that. Even if it felt like dying, you’re here.”

Catra didn’t reply to Perfuma. Only the gentle rush of the wind could be heard until Perfuma spoke again.

“I’d like you to ground yourself in this moment. Feel the blanket beneath you, the sun on your skin, anything you think you can hold onto.”

“Okay,” Catra said. “Yeah, I can feel all of that. What’s that supposed to do?”

“Remind you that you’re here. You’re on Etheria, your body is no longer on that ship with Prime.”

“It feels like that, though. Sometimes. Sometimes, I feel like the metal is still there on the back of my neck. Like it’s always gonna be there and I’m never going to wash this feeling off. _He’s_ in control and he makes damn sure I know it.” Catra’s blunt confession arrived with such a force that Adora barely had the time to register the weight of every word.

“I don’t want to feel like that ever again.”

A quiet whisper. A prayer. A sentence that made Adora’s heart want to jump out of her chest.

“Ground yourself to avoid that. Control your breathing, be aware of your environment.”

Perfuma’s advice and the rhythmic sound of breathing calmed Adora enough to drift.

When she opened her eyes if felt like a different world. She looked to Catra: she was staring straight at the bowl in the middle.

“Catra?” Adora called her name. It had been an eternity since she had heard the sound of Catra’s name in her own voice.

Normally, Catra’s reflexes had no match in all of Etheria. Now, she took her time, blinking slowly and turning her head to Adora after an agonizingly long moment. When she did, though, there was a strange but not unwelcome feeling of relief that washed over Adora.

“I’m okay,” Catra said hoarsely. She cleared her throat and shook her head. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

“Try to remember that he’ll never get to make you feel like that again,” Perfuma said. “Your body is yours, Catra. You’re in control and you can learn to focus on other things when you feel like it’s getting too much.”

Catra nodded along. She looked exhausted, like the experience drained her of any energy she had for the day.

* * *

“Alright then, we’re ready when you are, Adora.”

Perfuma caught Adora off guard. They took a break after Catra’s turn; therapy was a lot more emotionally taxing than Adora expected it to be. She could see how it would be cathartic but it sure was daunting.

She was so quick to indulge in a Plumerian lunch that, for a while, she almost forgot why she was there in the first place. It was so blissful to be in Catra’s arms that her fears banished themselves.

Perfuma yanked her out of that temporary ignorance.

“I’m not so sure about this,” Adora admitted. “Maybe there is no part of me that remembers. No tension to relieve, you know?”

She knew she was fooling herself but it felt good to allow herself that fantasy.

Perfuma creased her forehead. “Adora... You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

“No, it’s not that,” Adora replied quickly. A little too quickly. “I’m just not sure about the whole ‘the body remembers’ thing.”

They walked back to the incense circle as they talked. Perfuma and Scorpia sat down and waited for them to join. Adora stopped in her steps and eyed her spot.

“Your sleep-fighting,” Catra’s voice was so quiet the words barely reached Adora’s ears. When they did, she turned to look at her girlfriend. Catra’s expression was soft, more so than what Adora was normally used to.

“What?” Adora asked. She was so taken aback by Catra’s gentleness that she took a while to register the words she had said.

“You fight in your sleep,” Catra repeated with the same quiet dignity. “You started doing that after Lazlo. You stopped for a while when we got back to Bright Moon but then, you started again.”

“Oh.”

There wasn’t much else Adora could think of to say at that moment. Her fantasy was shattered.

“Adora?” Perfuma called her again.

She felt like she should have been at least somewhat relieved. This was her chance to get a part of herself back, her chance to see if Perfuma was right about memory. Every chance she got to face it, though, she was hit by the reality of just how awful those lost memories could be. She had tried to fight this on every occasion, even in this short amount of time that led up to her being here in Plumeria. Adora tried and tried and now she had a decision to make. After she had seen Catra face her demons she knew what she had to do. Wanted to do.

“Okay,” Adora finally said. “Okay, I’m ready.”

She was back in the now familiar position. She let Perfuma guide her like she had done with the others before.

“Take in your surroundings, pay attention to your senses. When you feel like you’re grounded in your body, try and listen to what it’s saying.”

Adora repeated what she had been doing all day. Breathed in and out. Let the scent of lavender linger around her. Relaxed her muscles. Felt the warmth of Plumeria on her skin and the soft blanket she was sitting on. The distant sound of Plumerian children laughing and playing filled her ears. It was even more idyllic than when they had arrived.

Just when she felt like she couldn’t possibly be more relaxed - was this how she was supposed to feel all the time? - she felt a sudden rush of cold air.

“How are you feeling, Adora?”

Adora creased her forehead. “I… it just got cold for some reason.”

Perfuma hummed. “What else?”

She shouldn’t have been cold and Adora knew it. There was no wind where they were sitting; the loss of warmth felt as if it came from within. A drop of sweat rolled down the side of her face.

“It’s like the air is getting thinner,” she sighed. Adora’s heartbeat fastened as it was getting harder to breathe. “I feel pressure on my chest. I don’t know where it’s coming from.”

She didn’t want to panic but she knew her voice was betraying her concern.

“It’s okay, remember to take deep breaths, Adora. You’re still here, amongst friends in Plumeria.”

The action felt like it should have been harder but Adora took a deep breath and exhaled. The reality of her environment and how she was feeling weren’t matching up.

She still felt so much pressure and had the urge to gasp for air. Whenever she inhaled she was reminded that there was nothing stopping her, and yet every exhale felt like she was giving up a precious resource she might never get back.

“Does anything appear in front of you? A place, a person, anything?” Perfuma asked gently.

Adora tried ignoring her heart being caught in her throat but nothing visualized in front of her. Brief silhouettes started to appear but with a lightning of crimson, they were gone in a split second. As she strained herself, she could feel the ghost of a touch brush her neck. No, not a touch - an almost touch. A fragment of a memory. It sent a shiver down her whole body.

She winced as the ice-cold feeling reached her wrists.

“Adora?”

It was Catra who called for her this time around.

“I can’t see,” Adora gasped. “I just… I don’t even know what I’m feeling.”

“There’s no rush, Adora.”

Perfuma sounded more distant than before. Adora was finding it harder to focus on the advice. Her blood ran cold when the intangible feeling grazed over her thighs.

Later on, long after they had returned to Bright Moon and she was staring at the ceiling of her bedroom, she would think back to what it was exactly that set her off. Despite Perfuma’s best efforts, Adora’s general unease seemed incurable. But what was it that caused such sheer panic to erupt?

She only vaguely remembered the throbbing in her head as she tried to shake the feeling away.

The constant tension she felt in her chest certainly didn’t help her situation.

Not being able to breathe, or feeling like she shouldn’t for some reason awakened a deep fear she never knew she had.

Despite all of this, it was the unshakable sensation of being unable to either escape or identify the ghostly touch that broke her.

Adora registered that Catra was calling her name with increasing urgency but couldn’t open her eyes. All she could do was dig into her palms as her breathing became untameably erratic and tears began flowing. Even these actions she only realized later, courtesy of the crescent scars on her hands and the salty taste her tears left.

Catra could only get through to her when she grabbed Adora by the shoulders and shook her out of her spiral. Adora’s eyes snapped open and widened at the sight of a petrified Catra. Without knowing what she was doing, Adora shoved Catra away with a shriek. She stood to get away but collapsed before her legs could carry her.

Panic seized her as Catra grabbed her once again. She was too weak to push her away and once she took control of her body for long enough to recognize Catra’s touch, she didn’t want to.

Adora let herself fall apart as Catra hugged her from behind. She held on tight even as Adora’s shoulders shook with the power of her sobs and kept on whispering, even after Adora lost the energy to do anything but quietly rock herself.

“I’ve got you, I’ve got you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to note so many things here, where to start. First off, I know it's been a while but I wanted to give this chapter the care it deserves and I hope I achieved that. But hey, at least it's by far the longest chapter yet! I can't promise anything as to when I'll be back with a new chapter but I will post updates on tumblr. I realized while writing this that it kills me to not be able to let people know that I am working on it and this story is getting finished. I'll be tagging fic related updates as #spop gos on tuiyla.tumblr.com so check that out if you're curious.
> 
> Second, I just wanted to briefly talk about the chapter itself. I've always known that Adora would eventually join Catra at therapy and had quite a few specifics in mind long before I started writing. As a disclaimer, I am by no means qualified to give any sort of therapy-related advice, this is just my take on a Plumerian therapy session that gets angsty by the end. It's a taste of what's yet to come in later chapters. This fic is ultimately about healing, though, and I'll make sure to end it on a more hopeful note than the way this therapy session did.
> 
> This is truly the last third of the story and I appreciate your support in reading, leaving kudos, bookmarking, and commenting. Please consider feeding me with more comments so I may find the motivation to write faster haha. But really, thank you, we're now at more than 5000 views so that's pretty cool. Anyway, I'm so happy to finally be able to share this chapter with you and I shall see you next time as our heroes process what happened.


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